death or nothing

over and over, on and on, pain pain pain… how to get away from the pain, how to leave the pain behind, the pain, the pain, the pain, try every which way, try to be someone else, try to do what they say, try, try, try, more pain, worse pain, never enough, worse and worse, they call me more names, they call me a slug, “don’t you ever move?” Gaining weight, losing weight. So tired. Try and try, try some more, try try try. Freeze, be a robot. Read books about other people. What did they do that maybe I could do? Interesting, but they’re not like me, I can’t be them, don’t want to be them. Can’t copy them. I scream to God, I’ve got to die! Please… Got to die! Want to die! Have to die! That’s when he told me, that I died in Christ when he hung to death on the cross. He took my whole life into perfect death, just like I wanted, completely away. Never coming back. Better than any death I could die. But my body is still here, this isn’t what I thought death was. Now what? Something small and new starts to live. This is how I died. Yet I live… undeserving of the grace… I went through the door and I’m never coming back.