I posted a few days ago that I had a good day. I was naturally connected to life. There have been some ups and down since then and at the moment I’m feeling disconnected. I feel disconnected from my feelings and that leaves me in a very difficult situation where I have to imagine my way through life essentially having to make decisions based on projections and try not to cause any trouble because this is enough already. It is very difficult and I hate feeling like this. At times I have been very angry with a God that I pray to as this seems to be God’s domain. It”s obviously very hard to understand how at times I do experience good feelings. I look at this from a physiological perspective, certainly there is some miscommunication going on between my brain and my body. It’s like some Siamese twin of mental and physical dysfunction that makes life seem incredibly difficult. Brain injury and mental illness. I also contemplate the infinite, what does this all mean? I’d like there to be redemption in this lifetime, but that’s not guaranteed but I’d like to believe that it’s guaranteed at some point, but what I’m I supposed to do then in this lifetime? I try to be a good person, but this feeling of living in a vacuum stretches me beyond my limits and at times seems to cause small injuries that might end my life or at very least diminish my quality of life and thus kill me in a spiritual sense. Who else lives in this world? Will I somehow escape it? What was the value of this experience if I believe that I could have been more valuable healthy?
I did not think about suicide today. I can’t remember the last day that I did not think about suicide, it’s been at least weeks and probably longer. I’ve been in a positive mood for over 24 hours and it’s not because I’m trying to convince myself that life is worth living, I actually feel that way.
I’ve been reluctant to post here for a little while, because I’m afraid of identifying with dark things, but I don’t feel at home anywhere else. I was in a lot of trouble just a week and a half ago, dialing the suicide prevention hotline when a friend of mine called. Our conversation went well and the next day I decided to book a trip to Costa Rica. Not on impulse, I had been planning on taking a vacation anyway. Just the same I have felt very uninspired and was projecting past my vacation to a slow death or more thoughts of suicide.
I spoke with that same friend tonight, telling him I have nothing to give, except I thought I might write something that might give somebody comfort like the comfort that I sought when I found this site (I googled “praying for death.”) I’m feeling better if only just a little bit, I’ve had some inspired ideas, teaching biology to underprivileged people.
The image that came to mind was that of a photon sphere, the light that surrounds a black hole, that’s what I thought of when I envisioned my identification with the people here. There’s another, but I want to research it a little more before I post about it.
I’d like to start posting here regularly, I’m going to forsake my fear of affirming my identification with suicidal people.
I have been totally broke down for four years now. I really don’t have any idea what will bring me back to life. I’ve tried, but I have not been able to do it. I don’t want to be this way for the rest of my life, but it is very well possible that I will be.
When I say I am broken, I mean that I do not feel alive. I don’t feel depressed either, and that’s not to say in any way that I am therefore happy. Broken is the best word. I don’t know what is sustaining me and that fact that I was able to learn some of a new skill over the last few years baffles me.
I think of it more like a disability like cerebral palsy than a mental illness, though that is undoubtedly in there too.
When I let my mind wander it invariably goes to thoughts of suicide, and quickly. I don’t have to do it so I don’t. I just don’t know what I have to look forward to.
I have experienced abject suffering for the last four years, and I expect to do so for the rest of my life.
I can’t think of anything differently to do today other than to suffer more.
I started posting on here four years ago and I feel the same way that I did in the beginning, it’s nuts. Four years ago, I completely cracked, I try to keep it together, but it’s broken. I can’t fix it, can’t believe I’m going to live the rest of my life like this either.
I’d like to post here more frequently. I’ve definitely thought about suicide more than the average human, I’m not proud of it, I just have. There are a lot of reasons i haven’t but chief among them is that I feel like I’m owed a life! By whom? God. Who? I’ve managed to convince myself at least that I owe it to myself to find out.
Wanting the ultimate adventure, I took the chance. To experience death while alive. Seemed like the ultimate. It’s been something. The last four years have been spent on rock bottom. I won’t make the effort, I can’t. And then I do. Thank you, Leonard Cohen.
I’ve been suicidal for almost 21 years, since I was 20. I’m not feeling anything right now. I am hopeless. I live in a vacuum. I think about suicide because there’s no other solution that I can believe in, not that I believe in suicide either. I’ve posted before about my history, but I’m not sure what from it could have kept me from being where I am now.
Twenty years ago I made a choice that has forever altered my life. The last three can really only be described as post apocalyptical. I’m 40. I expect to live there rest of my life, save for all the focus I can muster in this present moment, adrift.
I think I work pretty hard to improve my life and then seemingly from a place I can only understand as the most subtle subconscious, I feel awful. This morning I asked God to take away the suicidal thoughts and I was granted a reprieve. I’m terrified of the prospect of trying to create some sort of life out of this I feel like there is a stake of fear driven through my heart.
I’ve been feeling some fear lately, and some anxiety too. Â I quit my job recently, I had too, it was only going to get worse. Â I have some savings to live on, but I don’t know where I go from here. Â My brain is damaged, it doesn’t work right, and you can read my first post if you want the details, but basically I did it under the influence of drugs a long time ago and things have gotten progressively worse over the last few years. Â Many hospitalizations, a lot of suicidal times. Â Lately, I haven’t really gone there, I’m much more curious as to what’s going to happen if I stay alive. Â I don’t feel like I can function well enough to take care of myself and just a while ago I asked myself, what would I do if Â “I had no pressure.” Â Kind of like, “What would I do if I won the lottery?” Â Even if my landscape was devoid of stress…I don’t know. Â I don’t feel alive.
strung up by my hands and feet there is a point of a knife pointed and the soft part of my neck/throat. Â It takes all of my effort not to lean forward and be pierced and have it all end.
My best activity is to distract myself, because when I’m present with how I feel, I only think self-destructive thoughts. Â I try not to wake up in the morning, and when I go to bed, I somehow need to coax myself from the thoughts of suicide, just to sleep. Â I can’t help but thinking that I should be dead.
Just dying. I have really little, if anything to live for. I have a hard time imagining any accomplishment that would cause me to transcend the feeling of wanting to be dead that I’ve been experiencing for the past several months. I have done yoga. I have done meditation. I’ve taken all kinds of medication and talked about every aspect of my life. Tried to tie up loose ends in my relationships, but I am broken.
Once it’s happened and it’s not going to “get better.” Â You just walk through some how. So many of us have been destroyed, obliterated waited for grace, given everything to somehow survive. Â I think about suicide nearly all the time. Â I gave all I could, now it’s just playing out the string. Â Thank you everyone who has posted about their hell. Â I heard somebody once say in their despair (words that I’d expressed too), “I’m just a person.” Â More hell.
Who are we who post on this site? Â We have suffered. Â That we even question our suffering is horrible. Â I appreciate everyone who posts on this site.
I think about dying all the time. Â Wanting to be killed, suicide methods. Â I fight it, it gets worse. Â I consider the absurdist tact, but can’t really sustain it. Â Only solace is knowing that there are people here who understand and go through the same thing. Â I distract myself with tv and food, when I’m with myself it’s just death.
I wake up in the morning, like a lot of us do, wanting do die. I feel like hell and I only get the briefest of glimpses of what it would be like to feel well. I feel like I’ve been maimed by life, damaged. I’m just surviving at this point. I’ve been beaten. It would be funny if it wasn’t so sad, that when I feel worse I laugh at myself for not acknowledging, that I felt “better,” somehow before.
I vacillate between wanting to be murdered and wanting to experience more suffering.