All I ever wanted was to be excepted, I made friends with some of the cooler kids, got a girlfriend, got a car, but it’s all gone now. People change, my girlfriend cheated on me, and I wrecked my car (douche bag shouldn’t have turned out in front of me…). I decided to follow in my fathers footsteps and become a welder to make him proud, maybe he’d except me, but he never did… He thinks that I’m just some dumb kid who breaks the law, just like every adult thinks. I used to hangout with my girl, or my boys on a Friday night, but I can’t remember the last time I gave them a call. Anymore, all I want to do when I get off work is lay under the tree outside, drink a fifth of Seagrams, and forget about the life I never asked for. Not many people know about the pathetic life I feel I live, but I feel like no one cares now. I feel like if I went through with it, no one would care, no one would feel impacted what so ever. Maybe that’s a good thing, knowing I wouldn’t hurt anyone. But it sure makes you feel a lot shittier about yourself. I’ve always kind of fantasized about being dead. Since I was a little kid I’ve had suicidal thoughts, I used to come home from elementary school and try to hold my breath till I passed. I don’t know if I should try to live life, make the best of it, being sad, putting cigarettes out on my arm like I do, or if I should just steal a prescription of pain killers and call it quits. Lately I thought about how ridiculous it would be to off myself on the interstate, get into oncoming traffic and see how long I last VS a semi. I’m 18 years old, and I don’t know if I want to see tomorrow, or the next day, or the next day, I feel like I can’t be myself, cause myself isn’t good enough. I’ve concord all my fears, or I feel I have, except one, and that is loneliness. Who isn’t afraid of that though. Oh and spiders are fucking creepy too, fuck those things. I’m not afraid to die, because if I die, I’ll never have to be afraid of anything. I’ll never have to be excepted by anyone, cause there’s no one to except me, I wont even have a mind, and that sounds amazing at times, not thinking, not breathing, not seeing, not caring, not being… Sometimes I want that. Sometimes I don’t. I don’t see me living a long life. Maybe if someone came around to change it, things would be different, but that only happens in the movies, for now, I’m kinda just fucked…
“I swear to God I want to just slit my wrists and end this bullshit. Throw the Magnum to my head, threaten to pull shit. And squeeze, until the bed’s, completely red. I’m glad I’m dead, a worthless fuckin’ buddah head. The stress is buildin’ up, I can’t, I can’t believe suicide’s on my fuckin’ mind. I want to leave, I swear to God I feel like death is fuckin’ callin’ me. But naw you wouldn’t understand.” – Biggie Smalls (The only rapper worth listening to)