I can’t cope

I am writing this not so much so people can comment, but because I know writing it down makes it a little easier and I find it alot easier to show/talk about this to strangers rather than feeling like I’m a nuisance to my friends. Also, I’m just going to stick to the main events, seeing as the others aren’t that important.

Last year I had a suicidal friend. He was like a brother to me and after the first time he told me he felt suicidal, I could tell the signs for the future. When I could see the signs or if he told me he felt suicidal, I would go and stay at his place for a night or more and usually after that he would be alright for at least a few weeks. In April he told me he was suicidal so I went to his place as usual. After a few hours, he seemed alright and so I said we should watch a movie. He said it was a great idea and asked me to go get the popcorn while he chose out a movie, so I did. When I got back, he had a gun in his hand, I knew it was for him to aim at himself, so I tried to convince him to put it down and that I could help him. A few minutes later, I realised he wasn’t going to put it down, so I tackled him and tried to rip it out of his hands. I don’t really remember much of what happened that night after that, except that there were two gunshots, one of which got him in the head. From what I heard, I called the ambulance and than a teacher from my school (who was close to a good family friend of mine, so I got to know on a personal level). He told me that I couldn’t form a sentence properly and the only reason he knew where to go was because in my ramblings, I mentioned the friend’s name. Apparently once he got there, I started screaming and crying to him about how I tried to save the friend and eventually cried myself to sleep. The next day I woke thinking that it was all just a dream, but the teacher told me that it wasn’t and that he had made calls to family and friends of the suicide victim. I was extremely shocked, but I didn’t feel the pain I knew I should have been feeling. Eventually, it all set in and I fell apart.

Over the next couple of months, I had allegations from all over the place saying I was the one who shot him. This including people who use to be close friends. Luckily we went to different schools and so school was a safe haven for me and most the teachers and my friends supported me. But that didn’t mean I stopped thinking about it. I mean sure I didn’t pull the trigger, but I felt and still feel like I murdered him. I mean I should have told someone else about how he was feeling right?

In the next couple of months, things just got worse. Exactly a month after my friend committed suicide, my best friend’s sister (who was also a good friend of mine) died of a brain hemorage. Being the type of person I am, I kept it in and tried to help others. I still miss her and feel the guilt of not being able to help my best friend (she lives in a different state) every day.

Just when things were starting to get a little better, it got worse. In July I was out with one of my best friends (might as well have been my sister with how close we are). While we were out, I saw a group that my brother use to hang out with and that my ex still did. I knew that they were bad news, so I walked this friend home. I guess you could say my biggest mistake was leaving her house rather than getting her dad to drop me off home. I was planning to go back to the bus stop, but on the way they stopped me. They started going on about how my ex owed them money (usually I would bail him out, but I had told myself I was done with him this time). I kept trying to walk, but the “ringleader” grabbed me. I tried to fight them off, and I was doing alright until I felt a metal object hit the back of my head. All of a sudden, I was tied to a pole. The “ringleader” started touching me and taking off my clothes, then he stopped. I don’t think I’ll ever forget what he said next. “You can make us go away, all you have to do is give us her”. What scares me to this day isn’t that I thought he would rape us both, but that I knew he would make me sit there and watch him rape her if I gave her up, so I made a choice. Just like that, my virginity was gone. After he was done, another of the boys came up to me. I knew he was about to do the same, but then something happened. The teacher who I had called the night of my friend’s suicide had one of the boys tackled onto the ground. I guess you could call this guy my guardian angel, I know I do. Anyway he once again helped me out and even helped me explain what had happened to my parents and best friend.

All six of the boys are now in prison, my friends and family have been really supportive and the bullying about being a “murderer” and a “whore” have now lessened, but I’m still stuck here scarred. I haven’t slept a full night (without medication or alcohol) since my friend committed suicide, I can barely get up in the morning without feeling like it is a waste, my grades have dropped immensely, I can’t do anything without the paranoia that something bad will happen, I’ve had suicide attempts and through the bullying and becoming antisocial, I have lost a large base of my friendship groups. But that’s not what scares me the most. What scares me is I have gone from the honest, optimistic, love yourself” person to the most self loathing person I know, but I’m such a good liar that basically no one notices.

I know this is long, but I just needed to get it out.