I can’t do this again….

I can hardly breathe… Chronic Depression, self-harm and social phobia have taken everything from me: my pride, my career, my friends, little by little, now my soon to be wife. I’ve been this low before, twice, but each time I had help. Now there is nobody, at all… I haven’t spoken to anyone in two months… My wonderful girlfriend decided that she couldn’t deal with it anymore and left me at my parents’ house (I’m 39!!!). I don’t know anyone, all the plans I had made to try and get myself out of this phase were there (8hres away). I haven’t worked for 10 years, I don’t have a resume, I don’t have references, I don’t have friends, I don’t even have acquaintances… I have a cat…

Many times before I’ve traveled a similar road. I’m an only child, I can’t do this to them, they’ve done so much for me… And yes those other times, after like 9 months in bed, I got up, pumped up with fresh ideas: I still had a resume, i still had people to call to start living again.

The last two months I have been stronger than ever in my life. I started to exercise, eat better, lift weights, and use a number of programs for self-development, positive affirmations, visualization, subliminals, brain entrainment… I’m medicated enough to not be in a constant state of panic. I got a haircut, new clothes… I saw her twice, she can barely look at me. I was nice, smiling, not pushy… The separation is complicated, I will have to ask her for pension, she’s gonna hate me. She keeps the house because it was only in her name because I can’t work, but owes me a lot of down money. She keeps everything I love, everything I designed and decorated. I keep the car, that my parents paid, that she used for free for ten years, that is good for scrap…

So I wrote the most genuine apology letter… I don’t even know if she got it, she just left a Skype note to ask when I’m going down to get my stuff, and how the lawyer thing is proceeding. My mother talked to her briefly and told her, which is true, that she is putting both of us in financial jeopardy, that I had been doing surprisingly well, was she really certain, had she really thought about it. She said yes.

I’ve done it all for nothing.

Do I still have to stay alive for my poor parents? I miss her so much, she was all I had, and I trusted her like I have never trusted anyone, and we had issues, but up to two days before the breakup, she was still talking of where we’d go on honeymoon!!!

I don’t have any friends, any way of getting out of here and meeting people, much less another woman (I’m gay). Anyway, what do I have to offer now to someone who doesn’t even know me… My whole worldview just collapsed again. We were for life! I don’t understand it, I had been doing so much better since Christmas, the timing is even crueler than the act.

I’ve been wanting to die since adolescence… Even at the best moments of my life, receiving a BA with honours, or getting engaged, it is always there somewhere inside, that even the trip to Disney with my girl, or the best nights of my life are just not worth it. I don’t CARE if it gets better, even the better is tasteless after a certain amount of loss and pain.

I have to tough it out until we’ve been to court, afterwards… oh God I feel so guilty, I can’t stop crying, they are old, they can’t go through that!!! But I can’t go on like this, I’m willing to do anything, go to any therapy, continue with the exercise and the meditation, if she would just give me another chance. I want my life back! She was always saying how much she loved me and that she’d never leave me, when I was scared she reassured me that it just would never happen….

I needed, and had started steps, to get a volunteer work, just that would have finally let me out of the house, where I stayed because of my shame at my inactivity. I knew it was more than time, I HAD to do something, I felt it, but she said the same things, everyday… I had great hopes for this summer, it took me years to build myself mentally up to have the courage to go out and talk to a stranger about my situation. My girlfriend noticed it too! And now, with the shock, I think I could be what she wants, like I was before…

Obviously she doesn’t love me anymore, and she doesn’t care what’s to happen to me as she knew I had options back there, and none here, possible friends back there, and none here. She knows. She expected me to crawl under my bed for a year, and obviously felt guilty, but I’ve shown her, I’ve tried to show her that I could, that I would, if she would… she won’t. She says things like she’s happy if I’m doing good, that she hopes I find someone else! The thought of it all makes me sick. Nothing makes sense except how severe the pain is, and I’m so sick of it all. It takes years to build such closeness… I want nothing else. And I’m not ALL bad all the time either. She played the part of woman in love perfectly til the end. The negativity, the lack of intimacy, they’re not real reasons, they can’t be, because I want that to change, I’ve offered couples’ therapy, and anyway I was better…. no she just doesn’t love me anymore or she would never have been able to do this and not give me a second chance… I have no more hope…

I want to do it with the helium. I can’t do it here, I don’t want my parents to have to find me. I want to do it where I still consider it to be my home, but under the advice of a friend, she changed the locks already, with all i own still inside. Her family is pushing her….We deserve a second chance, everybody does. She says she’s given me plenty of chances, but when they are not verbalized, does that count???

I just want to hold her, I’m so scared, so lonely, so isolated, so useless, and all my recent hopes and dreams, as I thought I was in remission and better every month, have been thorn to shreds and will never be. I thought I could win her back…

I’m just not strong enough