It’s weird to know yourself so well, and still have no clue who you are or what to expect from yourself. I know what I do is wrong. I know I have a drinking problem, a depression problem, and I know my past has given me issues with men. I start dating them, sleeping with them, and only then do I realize I have no feelings for them and break their heart after leading them on for a month or two. The problem is that none of them understand me and the shit I deal with.
I’m in therapy, I’ve been on pills, nothing’s ever worked. I know the drinking is a big problem, but I refuse to stop. As much as it’s killing me, it’s saving me too. It’s keeping me around a bit longer than I would be if I were sober all the time.
I’ve usually been able to see a way out of what I’m feeling, but there’s no way out of this depression. I can’t manage my way out of this one. I’m screwed. It’s over. I know what to expect from myself. And I always know exactly what I’ll be doing and what’s gonna happen with me. And I still have no idea who I am. So why bother?
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4 comments
I think for many people, we don’t know ourselves until we go through some devastating, downward spiral that forces us to examine whoever it is we think we are.
This spiral’s been lasting for a few years. I still have no idea.
It’s the booze which is causing your depression. Trust me, this is the voice of experience. Booze causes depression worse than any drug out there. And if you get off the shit for a few months you will be shocked to see how much it was controlling your moods, emotions and bad decisions…especially the emotions. In some ways booze retards our emotional growth.
If your tired of being depressed, stop drinking that posion! That won’t solve all your problems, just the big ones. Good luck my friend. 🙂
It’s not is the thing.
I did stop for a year and everything got even worse and now I’m at least holding on. I’m not letting go of my only lifeline.