Just a need to share

I hope nobody i know ever see it, and i hope that feeling will vanish soon.

But, it’s hard. Living unhealthy, unhappy, and lonely.Waking up, knowing the difficulties waiting ahead, the lack of stimulation, ….the limitations that my health imposes me.

Spending too much time at the hospital, in need to be fixed. Can i return that broken body of mine? I wish.

When i feel out of breath, when i can’t take it, i think of going, leaving, you know? Dying.

It’s not as i wanna take my life. It’s a feeling of…expecting, hoping, not to wake up .Wishful thinking.

Will my heart give up now? Tomorrow? Tic tac, tic tac…That death clock over my head all the fucking time, everyday. I can never forget it.

Just tonite, i was sitting in my kitchen when suddenly some water started dropping from the ceiling. So i had to go upstairs and tell the neighbour about it.

When i came back, my heart was racing…way too fast again, i nearly collapsed .You have no idea how scary it is for me, this feeling, it’s horrifying.

I’m standing there wondering” will it be now? as my time come now?” Can you imagine having to think about death every single day while you’re just trying to live?

This is my life, always is the same. I know others would say ” fuck it, i’m gonna do whatever i wanna do and i’ll drop if i drop”. But it ain’t me. So i just became very cautious, quiet, boring, in order to prevent my sick heart from racing. I mean, i just came out of the closet as a lesbian and, i cannot even enjoy the happiness of being finally myself, because of this. And i’m only 38, still young.

My life…..lost all it’s meaning, except for one thing: my amazing, beautiful , intelligent, …daughter.

Ah sights without her….i’d be a ghost.

She’s the only thing that keeps me from letting go, she needs me, so i’ll give all i can while i’m around. She has no father so.

I guess, i’ll just have to hang on one day after the other like i always do. No expectations, no projects……just a blank sheet .

Is this life? Doesn’t feel like it to be sure. But, if i can give happiness to my daughter, i’ll stick around while i’m around.

Thank you.