i turned fourteen ten days ago.
sometimes, i feel like i’m dead already.
life, is dead already.
i don’t feel fully alive, sometimes.
each and everyday is a part of my history, a history that will be with me forever. unfortunately, i know that forever, i am going to look back on these years of my life and all i’m going to see will be an ugly kid with mental illnesses and no friends, just, wasting her life away. i want my history, i want my past, present, and future, to be happy, i want to do something worthwhile rather than just doing this wasting. uhm, yeah… this is not really what i imagined my life would be like.
hm. i love when my kitten lays and cuddles with me. i love my kitten and i love cuddles with him.
the sky looked nice tonight. i saw the moon for the first time in a while. there were a few stars. the shade of blue was difficult to describe, it was deep, but, not black. like… navy, maybe. it made me feel some type of way.
well, unfortunately, not a single soul truly cares about me. i need to understand that. that the only one who cares about me, is me.
hey. today is friday the 13th. but, it doesn’t make much of a difference, since all days of life for me hold a significant amount of bad luck and misfortune.
how the hell is it already april?
i’m so scared.
hey, well… oh, i saw my mum and two of my brothers two days ago. i last saw them in december. they’re all seriously beautiful, especially my brothers. my mum’s average looking, but whatever. i had a fun time, even if it wasn’t for long.
my life is like broken glass.
even though i’m an awkward introvert with social anxiety, i miss people. i miss being around people.
i’ve come to realise i’ve never really had a true friend, so, i can’t say i miss having friends. i don’t really know what it’s like to have friends. the idea doesn’t appeal to me much anymore. maybe, i miss the idea of them. the idea of a boyfriend is more appealing, which is weird, i know.
the idea of having someone i can expose myself to, and let them truly know me like no one else knows me, is bittersweet to me. it must be so… amazing, to love someone and have them love you back. all of you, all the bits and pieces you choose to expose to them and the bits that they discover themselves anyway. but, i’ve never had that, and it looks like i never will have that, which is the bitter part.
i’m the only person who knows me. who knows me inside out. and, that’s sad to me. if anything ever happened to me, no one would know the real me. i want to have people in my life who deserve to know the real me. i want to have people, or just one person, in my life that we can expose all aspects of ourselves to eachother, that we can love eachother so deeply, that we can rely on eachother no matter what.
i’m not just lonely, i’m alone. i’m so alone, and, i don’t want to be alone anymore. people need people. i need people.
well, the truth is, i’m all alone in this world.
i ate a fortune cookie. the fortune read,
‘if you would have managed your plans properly, it would not have caused chaos.’
ironic, right? as, it hits pretty close to home.
my ocd is at an all time high, and i have no idea what to do about it — please help?
The shocking truth about your health | Lissa Rankin
If you could only wish for one of those three, which would you choose and why?
god I’m so fucking pissed off with my DHB; They expect us to pay through the nose in taxes and then won’t even give us the services we need!! WTF is this shit?!? and people ask me why I’m an anarchist… I don’t need the health of the majority dictating what sort of illnesses I get covered for!!! fucking idiots…. and then they act all suprised when we wan’t to kill ourselves! well DUHHH!!! USE YOUR BRAINS FUCKING DUMB PEICE OF SHIT POLITICIANS
its funny how as an adolescent i had many different reasons i wanted to die and they made sense to me.Now im not really sure if dying is the goal as of late.Acually im not sure what the goal is.
I find myself getting depressed over little things such as my aunt wasting away and me not speaking with her.also things like transpportation issues.Money issues despite never having had to pay a bill my whole life.I worry about not having a significant other.i worry about being alone homeless and helpless.Suprisinginly i worry about my own health since ive tried to take my own life so many times.So okay theres a lot of things that make me depressed.But still what pushes me to the edge of no return i.e. suicide are no related to the things im depressed about.
About a week ago i found my moms stash of medicaion.It was in the same place she had hid it last time when i found i.I dont blame my mother entirely as i was the one who took the pills.But i wish my curiosity wouldve been kept in check.I wish i had never found hose pills.Now i plan to kill myself next month at some point.Not because i hate my life but because i have a crushing urge to overdose.I think the same would be said about a gun.Id probably shoot myself in the leg.But i cant legally own one.So suicidal im really not just into to dangerous things.