I have been through a lot – bullying, attempted murder, attempted rape, none-curable illness etc.. Each time I have escaped with my life, I have found inner strength and saved myself from suicide countless times. Each time I think to myself ‘things will get better’.. But I have yet to see any kind of manifestation of luck.
I am mentally ill. I have suffered with hallucinations, delusions and thought disorder for over a decade. The last year has been particularly hard following a fellow human being physically harming me.
I crumbled and asked for help for the first time ever in January, though I found the process humiliating I was diagnosed with psychosis, possible Schizophrenia – I was told that I was a typical case – and was told I will receive a ton of help. I finally felt stable, I could finally understand what was happening to me and found myself relating to so many stories told by fellow sufferers.
For some reason something changed in my absence, the mental health team decided that I just have an overactive imagination. They told me that I exaggerate my experiences even though I swore to God that these things are actually physically happening to me, my imagination has no part in it.
They have given me placebo drugs and treat me like a burden. I was angry with them at first, but after looking around at other sufferers getting the support I needed my envy turned to acceptance. I have concluded that they where supposed to get help, as it’s their destiny. My destiny is to take my own life – you see, years of dodging the suicide bullet have caught up with me. I should have taken my life when I had the chance, years ago, when I was comfortable with the concept of death.
I shouldn’t have spared my life, because it has angered Fate. I just wasn’t meant to be and I accept that. The more I spare my life the more Fate will throw at me. I’m just unfortunate, that’s all I can say. At this moment the idea of dying petrifies me purely from not knowing what is on the other side, I am waiting for that moment, the moment I felt when I was close to death last time, where I felt peaceful and ready. 🙂
1 comment
I understand how you are feeling. There are so many people out there like you and I who are told that they are just being “dramatic” and “exagerating” when really there is hell raging inside of them. I am sorry to say that that “moment” when you feel ready and at peace with death will probably not come until you are old and have lived a long and happy life. Should you decide to take your life after analyzing it and waiting for the perfect time, as so many of us do, it will still be ridden with questions and terror. I over think things which is a major flaw in taking my life because it just makes it worse. My point is, don’t live waiting to die. You will not find peace with life or death that way. I wish there was a perfect answer to pain and living with it or dying in peace but I don’t think there is. Whatever you do, don’t live like you’re dying. I have done that for so long now and it doesn’t help anything. Best of luck, love.