The Void

I’m really confused this month, I feel like shit. I haven’t felt this sort of way in a while, usually I’d just shrug it off as me being a little ***** (and maybe it is), but it feels different this time.

About a year and a half ago I fell in love with this girl who I sort of dated for about a week, and by that I mean we live a city apart so we didn’t hang out physically very often, it was mostly over Skype and Facebook. But I really really liked her, she meant the world to me. Up until then I hadn’t really dated anyone, this meant a lot to me. She was the only girl to actually like me for me.

Because we never hung out physically we never actually kissed, we cuddled, that was about it. She stopped liking me suddenly though and went and dated my best friend at the time, and they kissed. I couldn’t live with myself. For the longest time we didn’t talk and I didn’t go outside. They broke up three months later, but we still didn’t talk much. At the start of this year we talked more. One day my cat died on a Friday, she stayed with me the whole weekend and we talked a lot. We became best friends, we still have a lot in common, and we talk more than when we dated even.

Of course though, it’s still another case of being friend zoned and I’m still really in love with her. I like being best friends a lot though, she means everything to me and she’s always there for me when I really need her the most, but I wish we went further. I was sort of immature two years ago when we dated, I feel as if I could have made it better for both of us. But we’re just friends now. Best friends, but what does that mean.

Somedays its too much for me and I miss cuddling her more than ever, all I ever wanted was a nice girl who isn’t mentally unstable to cuddle and kiss and talk to, she’s the only person I know who isn’t crazy or a slut like all the fucking girls at my school. She still. means the world to me, I’d do anything for her and I’d take my life for her, nothing has meant more to me than her. I guess I’m obsessive. I don’t know. Love makes you do stupid shit, I’ve learned that more than anything in the year I was trying to get over her. Well, I haven’t.

Usually I’d be alright with us being friends, at least she’s there for me, but she recently got a boyfriend who isn’t a douche and who she likes a lot. He’s sort of a mutual friend of mine too. And I’ve been with her when she’s had a boyfriend but she likes this one a lot, she talks to him a whole lot more than she talks to me. She says she probably won’t leave him if she can help it.

I might be jealous- no, I AM jealous, but god damn it. I’m lonely as fuck without her. She’s always with him and they’ve kissed, within the first week of them dating. I don’t know why I never got kissed. I’ve never kissed a girl before. Shes the closest I’ve gotten. She’s probably the only person I’ve ever truly loved. And when she’s gone I miss her immensely. It’s unhealthy. I don’t know what to do with myself. I cry it out and hope to god she comes on Facebook for a few minutes. We hang out but I never seem to get a chance to tell her how I feel. I don’t know what to do. I don’t have anyone else to talk to. He seems perfect, I don’t know how to get through to her. It feels like I’ve lost everything, or. I’m on the verge of it. I hate losing people, it’s happened to me too many times before.

I’ve run out of options. I don’t want to kill myself, for her sake. I can’t bring myself to yell at her or hurt her, she means more to me than my own life. I just don’t know what to do. I feel helpless.

What happens now?