Why Me?

Its almost the summer, and i feel alittle paniced. Ive decided i would like to die in the summer time, none of my friends will every know im gone next year at school. However life has basically just put an obsticle in my way. my best guy friend, i now have feelings for. maybe i even love him?(even puppy love) Its taring me in two. a part of me wants him BAD. I feel jealous when i see him with other girls, when he posts heart on other girls walls. I want him so bad and i dont know why. I just want to kiss him on the lips and let it go as far as we could handle. Then the rational part of me, what about our friendship? he’s my human diary and im afraid that if we break up we cant go back to this(im also afraid if i dont snatch him up soon another girl will and we wont be able to have this openess anymore) I need him in my life, and i need his openess, i need to be able to tell hum everything and im afraid that this will change that. I wish it werent this way, but hes the reason why im living, and suddenly i have feelings for him. So i can have these depressing feelings wanting him, or i can possibly have these angry feelings for him if we break up(and awawardness) and this is when i wish someone would just shoot me in the head so i wouldnt have to deal with this anymore.