Have any of you just felt like a sex toy? Like whenever someone touches you (even if it’s innocently), they just want to use you to pleasure themselves until something new and possibly better comes along. It’s as if they don’t see you as their friend, but instead a prostitute to suit their needs without the commitment. This is how I feel all the time. It just makes me feel so guilty because I know 95% of the people I know do not see me like that, especially my boyfriend, but it’s just how I feel. I mean I have been sexually abused and even raped and nearly gang raped by both people I care about and people that hate me, but I thought I was moving on from all that. I even told my boyfriend that I wanted him to treat me like his past girlfriends when it comes to this kind of thing, but then when he actually did it, I felt disgusted in myself. I later found out he felt the same about himself and so we decided not to do it again. But yet I still feel disgusted in myself and like I am that little prostitute I’ve often been told I am. All the verbal abuse I have gotten in the past just comes to mind when I touch anyone (even innocently) and I hate it. I just wish I could feel normal again. Not just from this, but from everything. It’s like Artie from Glee says “I don’t want it to get better, I want it to be better” :/
CPC
2 comments
It’s about shaping perception. What contributes to you feeling that way? Just the few people saying you should in the past? Or is there something more structural at work?
I shunned relationships ten years ago for similar reasons, so I can understand feeling objectified. I don’t like sex (but I also love it, stupid brain) because I think it tends to corrupt – it becomes a liability for marketing agents to exploit. I know, I used to manage a retail shop that averaged around $23,000 a week in revenue. Our corporate office treated in-store marketing in such a sexist way it made me sick. I didn’t realize it at the time, but that way of looking at people reduces them to an object and it’s hard not to get infected with that thinking.
You are not an object. You are a human being.
I’m not 100% sure why I think that way, but I’ve think a large part of it is the fact I have not only been raped and nearly gang raped, but also sexually abused. Each time it happened, many people denied that it would and called me a lying whore. Also in cases where it’s happened by people I called friends, they have used excuses such as “If you really were my friend/cared about me, you would do it without a struggle”. I know it’s sad that I’ve let a few bad experiences destroy the possibly good future ones, but it’s the only conclusion I can come to on why I feel like an object (seeing as what people told me to do and said about me didn’t affect me before hand)