Fairly sure that I’ll kill myself tomorrow. Why not today? Why not now? Don’t know. Just want to do it on a Saturday.
It’s been ten years (-ish) and nothing has even dented my depression. Not talk therapy, not drugs, not exercise, not eating better…nothing.
Stick a fork in me, cause I’m done.
6 comments
whats your method?
Twin shotguns. The first in the mouth, pointed slightly upwards to try to cut spine at base of skull, the second one through eye.
One is 20 gauge, the other is 12 gauge. Both will be shooting slug.
It that doesn’t do it, it just wasn’t meant to be.
Dont do it,theres someone out there that loves you,think of the pain you will cause them.
I know how you feel. But I keep waiting for that better tomorrow I’ve been promised. I keep thinking if I end it, what if the next day would’ve been my break. I’m on 9 years of suicide attempts. I know how you feel. I found cutting to be quite helpful, before my family found out and made me stop. I still have that urge. Right now actually. Try this. It may save you.
Lie,
Thank you. I also have believed, over, and over, and over again, that there was a better day coming. Every new drug I tried, every time I walked out of my therapist’s office, every time a stressful event ended better than I thought it would, I would tell myself that a new day was dawning…and then it always went back to the same old shit.
But thanks for posting. I was actually really hurt that the only response I got was someone interested in how I was going to do it. I’m like, what the fuck is this? Survey time? Not that anyone here owes me anything. I came here yesterday for the first time, so it’s not like I’m a regular. But that’s what made me feel good, even for a few seconds, about getting your response.
As for cutting, yes, I tried that. And it has provided a reset button for my emotions at times. But I don’t need a 2 minute reset now. I need the permeant version. I need the kind that ends a life I am simply incapable of living. Most of the pieces are there. I have a good job, the job I always wanted in college and grad school. I have a loving family, even if they are all on the other coast. I have a few friends. I could make a decent life out of this if I could just stop feeling this way.
But if ten years of depression teaching you anything, it teaches you that, as the man said, this is As Good As It Gets.
And that’s just not good enough.
I realize this. And the closer I get to my desired time of departure, the more real that fact becomes to me. Maybe before I die the desire to not hurt them will pass the desire to not live anymore, and I’ll back out. Who knows?
But I actually hope that that won’t happen. I can’t straighten out a life that I simply don’t want or know how to live because other people want me to.