I just can’t anymore

I told myself a year ago after I survived my suicide attempt that if things don’t get any better I’m going to do it again. Had I actually done it properly before I would’ve died guaranteed, but committing suicide the way that I did before isn’t something I can do again. It was painful and made me panic. There are tons of ways I can off myself but some of those are the most painful and hardest ways, I wish I was stronger then that. There’s only one way that I’ve found that seems painless from what I read and has one of the highest lethality rates if done correctly, whether I can do it right I’m not entirely sure. It scares me that I’ll survive and make my life far worse, I could end up in a coma, with severe brain damage so I couldn’t function, dementia, and a whole list of other things. God, I hope it works.

I just can’t live like this anymore. I’m an empty shell or I feel like needles are stabbing me in the stomach, it’s one or the other and both are horrible. I can’t experience anything good and I can only vaguely recall a few good feelings I’ve had in my entire life. I’ve never had anyone or anything good in my life, my life has been in complete shambles no matter how hard I’ve tried, and other people have only made me worse, one in particular that finally pushed me off the edge last year. Every time I think about what I’d leave behind in a note, nothing positive really comes up. There are only bad things to say about certain people and there are normal, although embarrassing things I’d rather not admit or say about myself. Hell, I could say some things that could ruin lives, and some of them definitely deserve it but I don’t think I’m going to bother. I wake up every day feeling absolutely nothing good with some kind of mental anguish or I end up in tears right away. I think about a certain person every morning, throughout the day, and every night because of the pure hatred and disgust I have for them. I think about how bad people are in general, how I don’t have anyone, how useless I am…a lot of things really and it makes me feel like I’ll go crazy one day living in the world that I do.

I don’t care about how my family will feel if I’m dead and I don’t care how my few friends would feel. I don’t like my family at all, we’ve never been close. I don’t know if it’s just been because of my depression or because they are a bad family, I think it’s both. As far as my friends go, I can hardly consider them friends either, all I do is go out with them, I’ve never been close to them either. Everyone has always done or said nothing or they’ve said things they’ll do but they are all lies in the end, there are no actions. If anyone bothers to reads this you might think I’m a bad guy for not caring how I’ll affect others. I think really lowly of myself and I’m an exceptionally compassionate and emotional person which has been completely useless throughout my life. If the people that have been in my life had really cared about me then they would’ve shown it, it’s easy to worry about someone, it’s easy to say a bunch of words and not follow up on them with action. People that have known about my illness have never come through and some have made it worse.

Some people are really lucky and don’t know it, I’m probably the same way with certain aspects of my life that I take for granted. I wish I wasn’t mentally ill with all the chemicals in my brain being fucked up and had whatever bad events in my life make it worse. I wish I was just normal, something bad might happen to me one day but I could still feel good when something or someone made me smile. I don’t have that, even when I laugh or smile I feel nothing good and regular people are really lucky to have that.

There are only a few things I’ve wanted my entire life. A lot of people think they know what they want or they don’t know at all. I’m certain of them and always have been, I’d give up the rest of the years of my life to experience them for one week. They’re corny and they aren’t really tangible, I’ve wished so many times to even have those things for 5 minutes. I always wanted to be free from my mental illness, to be free of my insecurities, to not feel alone, and to truly feel loved and to love that same person forever. When I see bad things happen even in a movie, half the time I end up in tears and when I see or imagine things about having that special person in my life I burst into tears also. That person is what I’ve wanted the most.

Someone to be there for me physically and mentally,

to share my secrets with,

to go through both good or bad things together,

someone to encourage and appreciate me

to accept me as I am, to take a walk with, to smile at, to have a picnic with, to dance with, to be sad with, and a whole lot of other corny things.

Even if I chose to live and push myself to try, I would never have any of those things and I’ll never meet someone like that. My life is too fucked up, I’m too fucked up, other people are assholes in pretty much every respect, and every week that passes makes me feel older and fills me with anxiety and pain because I haven’t gotten anywhere despite still being very young. I’m too far behind in so many aspects of life and my depression is driving me mad. I wish I could experience not being alone anymore and love but I can’t. I hate this world and the people in it. I’m going to make every effort to try and succeed in ending my life next week. I hope it works, I couldn’t bear to end up in a wheelchair or something like that, I’d completely lose it.