It hurts to live in a life where anywhere you go, people hate you and talk trash about you everyday, doesn’t it?
I have a very bad reputation at my school, simply because I made a terrible mistake last year. I wrote a text about people at my school on Facebook: I wrote that they were rude and uneducated and ignorant (plus I was a newbie so it was really bad!) because I felt unwelcome and no one talked to me. I bashed them in my text. I was the one who was rude, not them.
I have Social Anxiety Disorder, so I’m painfully shy and anxious with social situations and interactions with people. I don’t have any friends, I always sit in the back of the classroom and I find it hard talking to others.
And everyone hates me because I talked trash behind their backs (I apologized and made peace but nobody was tolerant enough to forgive me), they hate me because I’m quiet and I don’t talk much. I have tried to make friends but I can’t; I cannot find someone who is compatible with me, or whom I trust. They even label me as antisocial and friendless and it hurts so much you know. I am not friendless or antisocial, I have SAD and it’s not even my fault! I am always nice and helpful but no one ever sees my kindness. They just base on my past mistakes to judge me and hate me.
Yesterday, I made another terrible mistake: I talked trash behind a classmate’s back who has helped me during my hard time. Now I feel horrible. I don’t know what I have become after a school year. I become more ignorant and judgmental (in a negative way), also known as b*tch! I regret now, I shouldn’t have said that! I wish I had the courage to apologize her but my self-esteem is very low, like the lowest on this planet.
Now everybody hates me even more. I don’t know how I will be able to go to school in September. I have a very bad reputation, I am ashamed of myself! I just want to disappear forever, I don’t want to live anymore, because no one likes me, no one is tolerant, nobody! I hate myself so much and I don’t deserve to live, many people with incurable diseases who deserve to live are dying with and people who don’t deserve to live like me, are living. It’s so unfair. I just want to end myself, I’m useless, I’m worthless…
3 comments
i know how you feel, im going through the exact same thing exexpt i didnt talk trash about anyone, im just hated for who i am and yeah i have no friends. i sit by myself during lunch times. its so depressing. i feel like we have so much in common. if you ever need someone to talk to im here.
is there something that you want from life? if it is your circumstance that makes you sad then that is a thing that can change (not easily, mind you). but if there is nothing you want then that is more difficult to resolve.
I hear what you say avrilunited, that you hate yourself. Been there, felt that. I think you overestimate how much others ‘hate’ you though. Try to get the courage to apologise to the girl who helped you and try not to shoot yourself in the foot again by b*tching about others. Your mistakes are not ‘terrible’ avrilunited. They are human.Zx