ive been doing a lot of thinking..

I have never been able to socialize very well. Even as a young child I liked to be alone. Now I’m fifteen, have no real friends(besides the sweetest guy I chat with online), and am lonely.. Which I find ironic because I don’t like to be around people. I can’t deal with others my age. Girls or guys, I can’t connect with any of them. Not on a deep level.. I don’t text or talk about boyfriends or any of that, so it really does not work out well. The people who I do relate to are much older.. And because of that they are friends I make online.

I don’t know how to explain it. My mind races with so many bad thoughts, but I am not sure how to put them all into words.. I think about how school is coming up, and that I don’t have the will to focus on grades. How I don’t know anyone in person that I could talk to about this .. who would understand. That all days seem the same.. but I’m too apathetic to do anything. It all seems so hopeless.. and useless. I think about hanging myself every night.. the only thing that stops me is thinking of how frightening and painful the experience will be..