last night

it brought terror and fear, i dont get it. i WANT to die and i acted on it last night, but once everything went down hill i knew maybe death isnt the answer to life’s problems? it started with a headache i ignored it, i felt sharp stabbing pains going all down my back, everytime i stood up i was to weak and the pain was to annoying to just keep moving so i’d stand up and fall to my knees and rest this scared me. then i gave up attempting to walk let alone stand, so i just layed in bed then i started feeling soo cold when the house tempature was fine. i turned whitish plae and then the pain of everything set in, i honestly didnt think it would have gone that horribly. the pain was unbareable, especially when my chest started to tighten and it hurt to breathe as i rested in bed crying i was both terrified of dying but terrified of living, my life is full of hell but i realized other people’s lives would be put in hell if i did go. i didnt want that to happen, i feared sleeping thinking if i let myself sleep chances r i wont wake up ever. so i tried to fight how tired i was til i gave up and just fell asleep which was painless and comforting, then i woke up and the same pain was still occuring so i ate thinking maybe im just hungry nope its been 5 hours since i ate and the pain has never gone away since last night. and its still here, if i really still wanted to kill myself this is not how im doing it, to horrible and scary. so my somewhat near death expierence opened my eyes just a bit and for now: suicide is a no go, no matter how miserable i am.