I wish I could say, “Not sure how I got to this point.” But I know exactly what happened.
Two people who clearly didn’t love each other engaged in a relationship and produced a baby girl.
I’m 21 years old and have done nothing but exist. Fuck, I can’t even seem to find the right words to explain whats happening to me. To try and make sense of the shit that I always seem to get myself into.
I’m fat. Disgustingly so.
I love food. Its an addiction.
I’ve battled with depression for about 10 years now. I’ve never gone and seek professional help. Any time I did think about it, my legal guardians just seemed to wave it off, as if I was stuck in the throes of teenage angst.
I live with my mother again and while……………………………GOD DAMMIT! I CANT! I WANT TO THROW THIS FUCKING COMPUTER ACROSS THE ROOM!
I wish I wasnt so fat. I wish I wasnt such a fucking angry ***** all the time. I wish I didnt have to break down and cry every other night. I wish I was in a relationship with a normal guy. Not the fucked up twisted friendship with some benefits that I have with a guy that poses for Superficial monthly. Who’s all secrets and kills me slowly.
I wish I had the bravery to look into the oncoming train lights and know they will be last thing I see before I close my eyes.
I’m sorry for wasting anyone’s time with this bullshit entry.
All of you out there, lost and never found, I fucking love you.
God, I’m tired of wishing.
6 comments
Makes sense to me. Makes perfect sense to me.
I can’t give you advice that says this will get better. I have changed one vice for another trying to fill the hole that is depression.
You should try looking at professional help, therapy. It could be just what you need.
It makes me sad to hear what your going through. I know what its like to be “fat” and i know what its like to be angry or “bitchy” as you say. I don’t know what its like to have a friend with benifits, or even a friend really, so you’re one up on me in that catagory. I should tell you to stay strong and keep fighting because theres alot to live for but im so close to giving up i dont want to sound like a hypocrite. Sometimes its nice to know you’re not alone and thats the best i can offer.
The lights are not a train.
You will not get run over.
Turn away from the lights, look the other way.
The lights are there to light your way.
Follow the path, your path.
One item at a time.
Therapy
Anger
Weight
Boundaries
Relationships
Peace
Happiness
Your light will one day shine, and light a path for another.
Goodluck
I really wasn’t sure what I was expecting when I posted this. But I sure didn’t expect the tiny flickering ray of…hope.
Thank you five Strangers looking in from your bedrooms.
Thank you for looking in and just caring.