When I was 15 years old I was burned in a car fire. 3rd and 4th degrees; my entire face, arms and leg…roughly 33% of my body. I was in the hospital approximately 2 months and in physical therapy 3 years.   I had screen-grafting done on both my arms; due to complications during surgery, my face was left to heal on its own. Things did not seem so bad at first. Doctors assured that I would heal completely and live a normal life. I looked at myself in the mirror and with my family by my side thought, “I’m a fighter, I will get better”. It seemed I had an inner strength that propelled me to look beyond my condition into a brighter future.
During the first year, I had to be continuously treated. The burns on my face healed slowly. And always had to have bandages changed daily. Equally, I had to go to the hospital 4 times a week for occupational therapy. As the skin healed, it became tougher to move; therapy ensured I could regain movement. I struggled with pain and skin tears, but still the thought of getting better pushed me to ignore pain and continue until I could move my arms, hands and neck to normal ranges.  3 years passed, my face healed and I could move normally with very minimal issues.
By the age of 18, I wore pressure-garments which would be tight on the skin. This was so scar tissue could be minimized. I also had a pressure mask which I wore 24 hours a day and would remove only when I took a shower or had something to eat. By this time, things began to change. I would look at myself in the mirror and at all the injuries, thinking constantly how long before the whole “you will be normal again” would come true. Still, however, I always felt like I was strong enough emotionally and did not allow it to bother me. I had logically considered that time would do it’s proper thing.
By 20 years old I had surgery on several areas. The scar tissue of burn patients create what is referred to as “cords”. I had several on my hands, specifically on my pinkie fingers. Also, the web-spaces of my thumbs. On my face, the scar tissue had caused my right eye to be pulled down.  I could not properly close my eye and created problems during sleep and normal day to day activities. My top and bottom lip were also affected. Full thickness grafting was performed in these areas.
By 22, I was still a confident fighter. I continued to see myself as normal as anyone. Smart, confident, goal-oriented, a fighter…a survivor. Enough were these qualities that I was able to gain great jobs, hold healthy relationships…I was successful and felt I could accomplish anything.
I don’t know how it all changed now at 32.  I don’t go outside anymore.  I like being inside, alone. I don’t have friends. My entire family has moved on. I am here, stuck, feeling hate toward myself. I don’t have anyone. I am alone. I don’t want to live and constantly think that I should have died on that day. I have no hope for the future. I don’t feel that anything will help me. It’s not just a feeling of sadness to me; not just depression and anxiety. I feel unworthy, so angry, ugly, no longer with any sense of myself, no longer a fighter. I sleep with the hope that I won’t wake up. I don’t want to exist. I don’t even want to try. I just want to disappear.
8 comments
Mental illness does those things to you, it takes away your confidence, motivation, your motor functions, your ability to interact with others etc. Pretty much all the things you’ve mentioned that have changed are related to depression. It may be temporary, because of some recent bad events that happened or something you don’t know how to overcome. Go to a psychiatrist or therapy, look at your options. If your life was in a good place before then I’m sure it can be again if these feelings are just something recent. Also, I have respect for you for being so strong and envy as well.
Thank you so much for the kind words.
Well.. This is my theroy lol…. God kept u alive because he may have BIG plans for u that u have not yet discovered. God is saving u for something special… He has mysterious ways that u nor i will ever understand just know that he is waiting for that 1 very special day <3
Thanks so much for your support and kind words. I think it’s definitely what I needed to hear.
You’re amazing for making it so far. Knowing myself, i would’ve given up on myself since day 1 after the accident. You made it through, you survived all these years with confidence in yourself. That confidence earned you good things. For some reason you’ve lost it, try to dig in deep and find out what that reason may be. Try to earn back that confidence, earn back your life, you’ve done it once and you can do it again. Your strong will is still buried inside you, you just need to find it. You survived that day for a reason.
Thank you so much for the support. Your words help immensely. I don’t know how to find that strength in myself anymore. I just feel like all this time I’ve had to be strong. I’ve had to endure. I had to fight for my feelings. While the rest of the world is normal, I’ve had to fight to show myself as extraordinary. While normal guys get the girl, I’ve had to suck-in the rejections. While the rest of the world, buys clothing, goes to coffee shops, attends movie theaters, goes to clubs…I’ve had to endure the bad looks; the “what is wrong with this guy’s faceâ€, all the things that normal people never have to worry about. All these years, I’ve had to work harder. An engine can only go so long at full-speed before it begins to deteriorate. And I’ve reached the point of deterioration. Thank you for listening.
You seem to be stronger than most. Maybe in some way, part of you did die that day of the accident. But maybe the best part of you lived!. I to fall asleep some nights hoping that morning will never come for me. some days more than others. You have turned to the right place for support and maybe even some answers.
Thank you for the support. You know, I have always considered that a huge part of me did die on that day. But I’ve never considered that the best part survived. That is such a huge thing to say. Thank you!