I just… don’t have any reason to be alive anymore. I can’t take being this lonely another year, and my situation won’t change unless i change, but I haven’t changed in 32 years, so it’s clearly not going to happen. I can’t even fake it anymore. My one friend came over for my birthday and I just shut down mid-afternoon. I don’t have anything left to say to anyone, or anything to contribute. I’m not a very good person, at heart, so I don’t give anything. back to anyone, just take, take, take. I tried to say I am really depressed, but I’ve had cyclical depression for so long that she thinks it’s just another bout. It’s hard to say how bad it is without giving away that I want to kill myself, that I have a solid plan, that it’s more serious with each passing week, that my slump ended last week and I still want to die .