I know I want to die, but I’m not exactly planning it like I used to. The pain of being alive is still constant, but I can’t die because no one will take care of my babies if I do.
I also know that I want this pain to end. It doesn’t matter where I am or what I’m doing. It hurts even when I’m laughing, excited, or happy. It’s always lingering to tell me that my joyful moments are nothing but fleeting. In the next hour, minute, or second, sadness will take it away. It has never failed me yet.
Some friends told me that all I needed to do was change my way of thinking. I was always too negative, they said. So I changed my way of thinking. I concentrated on the good that I have in my life. I willed my needs and wants to gravitate toward me. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn’t. Soon, I came to realize that it doesn’t really matter because the pain still remained with me.
It’s this pain that makes me, and everyone here, long for an end. Sadly, I don’t think there is an end.
5 comments
Hey to you.
First, your friends may have good intensions – but they are very, VERY wrong. You clearly are depressed. This is a CHEMICAL issue. Not a “mindset”. You can not ‘snap out of it’. You HAVE to have medication to get past it.
Please, talk to your doctor. I know it sounds scary. But I did it. There is NO shame in it and they will not “lock you up” for saying what your mind is thinking. The doctor will simply prescribe a pill. It takes weeks for things to get back to normal. But it DOES work.
Good luck
Meds didn’t work for me they made me fill worse
I second James, im glad your friends tried to help and im glad it did, even just sometimes, but yea it’s depression. You can’t just shake it off, get over it, look at it another way, ignore it, move on…. the things everyone says. It’s not that easy…
I dont trust antidepressants. I know 1 person in my family took antidepressants until they killed themselves for good, and I know 2 others who attempted it while on antidepressants BECAUSE the antidepressants.
Marijuana is what I use. Weed is basically an EXCELLENT antidepressant, it doesnt hurt your body more than a bunch of coughing (its not even a huge risk of lung cancer like other smoking), it makes you eat and sleep, and it lifts the cloud of pain
I always feel bad because my only advice for people is to do an illegal drug :\ I know most people dont wanna do that. But god it works so well… at least as a desperate option
In response to the oringinal post, not comments….. there is an end. Like salvation, it just never comes soon enough.
http://suicideproject.org/2012/07/so-you-want-to-die-think-theres-no-hope-and-you-have-nothing-to-live-for-read-this-email-me-if-you-think-differently-or-just-talk-to-me-because-i-care-wether-you-believe-it-or-not/
Wow. Thank you for all your comments. It really does help to know that there are people out there who understand the constant pain.
I would like to get help, but I live in a country that doesn’t provide insurance for the type of help I need and costs are way high. I can afford to start it, but I may not be able to sustain it. Second only to this reason is my fear. It is scary to just talk to a stranger about it, you know. I keep on thinking that if my family and friends don’t understand, why would a stranger even bother? I hope to get over this fear soon.
As for the marijuana, it’s okay. I like how it feels too, and I agree about it being a natural pain medication. I hope it will be legalized for us, though. It’s way cheaper than what’s available legally.