My 18yo son hanged himself on the 3rd May 2012. I miss him every moment of every day. Â He had plenty of attempts over the last 3 years with his general MO being cutting his wrists which ended him in hospital. before his final successful decision in May, his last attempt was to try and overdose on his depression medication 12 months ago. Even after all the attempts, we still didnt see it coming. He had just gained a Boiler Making apprenticeship and been approved to go for his P’s (license). He was in the best point he’d ever been in his albeit short life. I had just given birth to twins 2 days before (1st May) and so Andy (my son) had never met them.
After going through his bank statements i know his movements on that dreadful day and therefore know that earlier in the day, suicide wasnt his intention for that day. After speaking to his stepfather at 5pm he was in a great mood, he said he’d bought some groceries for them and bought a heap of pizzas. He bought a bottle of Tequila (alcohol he very rarely drank any and his stepfather doesnt drink at all) and 2 packets of roll your own tobacco. (which i know he wouldnt have bothered if he was intending to kill himself). Then he spent hours on the phone talking to his girlfiend. We dont know what transpired during the call but she did say he was happy when they finished talking.
The only message that was left (there was no suicide note) was on the voicemail of his girlfriends phone saying, by the time you get this i’ll be gone.
He then took himself out to the garage and tied a noose over the ceiling beams. Along with half a bottle of Tequila that was left  He had a chair next to him, but obviously being 6’4″ realised he was too tall. So he decided to just drop to his knees. Yes he was determined to kill himself as he could have stood up. When he was found by his stepfather, his arms were stretched out in front. I dont know why this would be? He’s left behind 5 siblings, 2 of whom never met him, a 11 month old that will never remember him ( apart from the memorial we have set up & photos) a distraught 12yo sister and a 19yo sister whom was very close to him. She always protected him but in the end she said mum i couldnt protect him from himself.
So for those that are considering suicide of any sort please consider those left behind. You are someones child that gave birth to you and nurtured you. They saw you take your 1st steps and took you to your first day of school. We taught you to tie your shoelaces & ride a bike. You will be missed, the world is better with you in it. You are someones brother or sister, grandchild, nephew or neice.
Ive been through the collapsing, anger, sadness, the whys & what ifs. At a time when our family should have been celebrating the birth of 2 gorgeous babies, we were organising the funeral for my eldest son. There is no good time, there is no right time. Please consider this before suicide. Pick up the phone and call someone. Dont be another statistic, as then you are just a number. When in life you are so much more. Instead of being a memory you can be helping create them.
8 comments
im so so sorry or what you have had to go through, my brother made me promise to him i would not kill myself, i plan to keep that promise.
i hope the best for you and your families lives, i hope your son who has died is now at peace.
being in a family myself where something terrible happened when i was to young to understand, it came out later and really knocked me so for your children please talk to them about him, and the good times, and talk about what happened to, they need to know and understand as they grow up, dont let them find out themselfes.
again im sorry for your loss, i really am. may your life and your families life go well.
I am so very sorry for your loss. This made me think a lot more about my mother finding me dead. I can’t put her through that. May your son rest in the sweetest peace.
Thankyou both for your comments. My now 13mth old points to Andy’s pictures and says who’s that.So i ask her who’s that and she says Andy. He will never be forgotten or the pain that he endured to get to a point where he thought that suicide was his only option. All my children will always know about their brother and what a terrific young man he is and was. And to Kalisue, yes please dont put your mother through it. Instead ask her for help. Your mum loves you and always will. No mistake can ever be made to make a mother not love her child. Nor does a mum not want to understand what is happening. I’m fortunate i never found my darling boy hanging there. but i’m still traumatised of the thought my son died alone (yes i understand that is the consept of suicide) nobody should die alone. Let alone having to pick up your other child from school early to say their borther has died. Nor hear their eldest child collapse sobbing in a heap on the pavement all the while the Australian Millitary were organising an immediate trip home.
This post broke my heart. I have lost several friends to suicide, and even my father attempted. In my life its almost like some pandemic. No one taught how to cope but they showed us ho to end it. I too have a son. He is only 3 however. I feel like I have ruined his life everyday that I breathe. I dont know why. I don’t want to leave my child, but I dont want to be this sad anymore. In some way your post has helped me. I dont want him to grow up to that legacy. I don’t want him to blame himself, and think i didnt love him.
It’s a hard situation. I empathize. It’s a rock n’ hard place scenario because people have to live for themselves & if no real joy is going on, the environment for this kind of thing occurs. I would love to stick around for all my loved ones, but I have to respect that if any of their circumstances involved a serious loss of well being I would release them to their relief & release. There is no death…the spirit is release from the physical body and he will receive help in the spiritual dimensions, & is happy.
I speak from my own experience as my family is very ego-centric & it is what was best for the soul who release themselves which actually carries a positive intention. It’s society’s or our attitudes that prevent us from seeing clearly what is going on around the death experience…however it comes about. Good luck!
Just remember he is at peace all he wanted was the pain to end he is now watching over you.someday you will be with him.
I am really sorry you had to go through this. But no one knows what kind of hell your son was going through which made him do this. Hopefully he is in a better place now.
I wrote this tonight. This is what a mother feels every single day. I sit here, through snippits of time & i try to grieve & mourn the loss of Andy. But day to day life wont allow me. I want to just sit, think & contemplate, cry and have some more time to cry. The world carries on and i wonder how can it when my boy has been removed from it. Plenty of people have gone before him and plenty will go after Andy. But to me the time is now. Let me cry even though there is no time to sit idle. Let me cherish memories as there will be no more. Just let me be who i need to be right now, this moment, just one time. I miss you Andy xx