Why can I not find the strength to say no to you? Why do I keep letting you in to my life even though I know when you leave it will hurt and destroy me.
Yet again you text me asking to come round and yet again I said yes. I promised myself that I would discuss my feelings and talk to you this time but it didn’t happen. You put on a film and sat there texting all night, whomever it was I don’t know but I caught a glimpse of the message and it hurt me deeply. You then asked if we could go upstairs and yet again I couldn’t say no. I asked you to spend the night, like you used to before you changed, but you refused. You left soon after and got in your car driving in the opposite direction to where you live. Where did you go? Do I really want to know the answer to that. Yet again I let you in, I thought things might have been different but they weren’t. I am promising myself that it will not happen again but I know that it will. Why am I so weak? How did you get this hold on me? And why did I reliquish all power to you? You came into my life and made me think I could start letting people in again and allowing my life to possibly move on; but then you destroyed me, made me worse than I ever was, I can’t do this anymore. I can’t live my life anymore but I can’t let anyone in again, I can’t be destroyed like you have again. It’s starting to push me over the edge but I need to wait for the date that have set in my mind. It is significant to the point in my life when everything changed, as well as the place being significant to when these feelings took over.
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There is so much pain when someone captures one’s heart, only to eventually decide they no longer require it. Do you choose to reclaim it, or do you let them keep it on one of their shelves, being allowed to wither and die off piece by piece?
Perhaps choosing to reclaim your own heart and allowing it time to heal is the way to go. Next time this person contacts you, do your best to resist the urge to allow them in.
I should provide some disclosure here: my heart was captured and left to fend for itself. She who first captured my heart did a wonderful job of caring and nurturing it for many years, but it appears as though the care and nurturing has been diminishing over the last couple of years. It got to a point where another came along and expressed an interest in taking over caring duties, but because the first still has my heart in such a grip, I could only give a small piece to the second. I want to give my whole heart to the second, but I can’t do it because it’s not mine to give away. The second has a small piece, but – understandably – a small piece of little use. I’ve found that avoiding the second has helped in my recovery, but the temptation to call her and spend time with her is overwhelming at times.
Good luck.
I know but I can’t find the strength to tell him no. I’m sick and tired of being alone, but I’m scared to let aybody in. He was determined to get into my life and I eventually allowed it. I don’t know what changed but he seems to not want to be a part of it any more, or maybe he realised what a screw up I am. I don’t understand why I’m not strong enough to say no or why I can’t refuse him to do this to me. I’m just too weak and scared to be alone. Hopefully I will feel better tomorrow and maybe I’ll be strong enough to tell him no but I doubt that.
Thank you though for trying to help
You may not feel the strongest right now and you may feel like all of your willpower when it comes to him, just doesn’t exist. It does though and you will find that strength inside you to just say no and leave it at that. You have to understand that you have to walk away in order for you to get better. Healing something like this doesn’t come easy because you feel like you need to fill that void where he used to be, but you don’t. What you need to do is focus on YOU and make sure that at the end of the day you are happy. We all want to hold onto that one person who we feel as if we cannot live without but trust me you can. You may miss them badly at times but just think at how much better you’re getting. Someday you will meet that one person who is never going to leave you therefore you will never have to constantly keep letting them in. He is going to be everything you never expected and guess what! It’s going to be amazing, you are going to realize that people come and go but this new person is here and isn’t going to leave. Trust me, that person is out there. That person will give you all of the attention that you need and his soul focus will be on you. Don’t stress about it, good things come with time. For right now you just need to focus on keeping your life on track and only keeping those who are there to support you 100%, in your life. You deserve the best and never never never settle for less. Keep your head up, you’re beautiful 🙂
I know you say you’re sick of being alone, but you have the opportunity to be your own boss for a while longer. Not having to factor in someone else into your plans and being able to do what you want and when you want should be liberating.
If you lock yourself into a long term relationship without giving yourself a chance to fully grow as a person, and do the things you want to do before you get locked down, you may end in a worse state in the long run. Whilst being in a relationship can be nice, committing to something for all the wrong reasons rarely ends well. The worst part is it that it may take years after you commit until you realise that you did enter into the relationship for these wrong reasons. This is coming from someone that commited to a girl when I was 17 and then realised when I was 35 that I’d pretty much wasted half my life on a lie.
Skyrider: thats the thing I’ve never had somebody there for me 100% I have no family around me any more and I lost all my friends years ago, I find it hard to make any friends now due to my inability to let anybody into my life. I’ve tried focusing on myself and the career I always wanted but that didn’t really change much I felt the exact same as I always did, then I let him into my life and he made me feel happy and I was ready to start focusing on other aspects of my life and to try and make myself happy again. Then he changed and just like everybody else who have ever been a part of my life he tore me apart and destroyed my confidence. It’s not that I can’t live without him, I know that I can, it’s I can’t deal with being alone anymore, I can’t live this way anymore and after another person has tore me apart I can’t let another in, I can’t go through this again.
Sansesperer: I’ve done all the things I had planned for myself, I have my own home and I’ve got a career that I have always wanted. The one thing missing is companionship and love, I’ve never really had that in my life anyway, but if I am never going to have it then really what’s the point any more?
You’re not alone though, you really aren’t. I know that at times we all feel as if that is true but if you really think about it, we aren’t. There are always people who we can talk to whether it be a friend, a family member, a trained professional, someone who can help you. You’d be amazed at how many people will actually listen to you. All you have to do is take that first step towards happiness, and take that first step towards making a change. You wont regret it, you certainly will not. Life is about taking chances, I want you to remember that. We never know how something will turn out until we try. Just keep pushing, you deserve the best.
I was 35 when I finally met someone with whom I properly connected on all levels, however we are unable to pursue this because I’d already locked myself in many years earlier. She is younger than me, yet – for the most part – she has a maturity and wisdom that extends far beyond her years.
Darkphoenix, you’ve clearly placed high expectations on yourself through your life and you have achieved most of what you set out to do. It’s always that last little piece that the hardest to find. Ironically, that last missing piece usually makes itself visible not long after you’ve given up looking for it. Take some time out to look after yourself.
You’re clearly successful and intelligent. Some people my feel intimidated or threatened by this; these people aren’t worth worrying about. Try to draw some empowerment from the fact that for as long as you are single, you can pick and choose what you do and who you associate with. 🙂
I don’t talk to anyone though. I’ve not spoken to my family in years, I’ve got no friends and my work collegues only ever say hello and have work discussions in meetings. The only people I actually speak to in the world are the kids in my class and even then its trying to teach them and trying to make sure they have the means they need to be happy and successful, which kind of seems contradictory to me considering my own thoughts and feelings. I tried hard to make friends with my collegues and to try and let them in but none of them seemed to want to know. The feelings of being alone are what scare me, I keep hoping that he will return to the person he used to be and realised that what he has been doing has hurt me but I can’t see that happening any time soon.
he won’t return to that person he used to be because it wasn’t the real him, just a personality made up to lure you in .. now that he has you under his spell, wrapped around his finger … he feels comfortable enough to show his true colors
you probably already know this, the harder thing will be to accept it and find the courage to stop taking part to a win – lose situation .. it’ll be enough when you’ve decided it is enough
I know it wasn’t the real him now and I know that I should cut him out of my life but I can’t. I can’t tell him no and I don’t understand why I can’t. I’ve not got the strength to refuse him, yet I want to I really do. I’ve tried deleting his number and blocking his email but he finds other ways back in. I’ve told him countless times it over and no more but I still can’t refuse him when he tries to get back into my life. Hopefully I’ll get that strength but I doubt it
I just read your first post, Darkphoenix. You’re 22 years old, right? If you’re 22 and on your way to building a fantastic career and you’ve got somewhere stable to live, you’re on a solid path.
I’m going to repeat myself here: enjoy being single. You still have many years for the right one to come along, you might as well have a little fun along the way. Clearly your ex (I assume he’s your ex) is a world class douchebag. A dear friend of mine has also been manipulated by such a guy, and she too has succumbed to some of his manipulation in her times of extreme weakness – even after their relationship ended. The thing is she feels terrible afterwards. She deserves better, and so do you.
That’s what drags me into an even more depressing spiral though. I’ve got things that a lot of people would jump at yet I’m still unhappy and depressed, I’m pathetic really. He is a douchebag but I’ve spent 11 years of being alone and I can’t do it anymore. I’ve been thinking about taking up playing rugby again, like I did at university, and trying to make friends through that. But it’s just thinking rather than doing, when it comes to the actual doing I can’t. I really am a pathetic excuse for a man, I’ve not got the strength to refuse someone who has access to me and I allow that to drag me down regardless of the current situation which most people my age would love.
You’re not pathetic. You’ve just hit a low point. So have I, so have many others here. The right guy will come eventually, but if you keep associating with someone that’s not helping you, then – if the right guy happens to cross your path whilst you’re still associated with Mr. Wrong – Mr. Right might keep walking because he may assume you’re spoken for. That would be a sad outcome for all concerned.
I know I just wish I had the strength to tell him no and refuse him but evidently I don’t.