This can’t be right, this has to be a nightmare, a bad dream, induced by too many pieces of Halloween candy. I have to be seven years old, eight years old, tossing and turning in my bed. This cannot be my life, it shouldn’t be. I’m 14 years old and I’m a self-harmer, a ‘cutter,’ though I’d rather say I cut myself. The scars on my skin are mysteriously starting to fade, not that you’d know it. You’d take a glimpse at my unscarred arms, glance at the armband on my right wrist that never comes off. You might think for a moment that my […]
but soon. i’m ~30. this is a long time coming. it’s been in the back of my thoughts as long as anything else at this point. i guess it just got to be where i was impossibly tired of failing at getting better, not hurting people by being unstable, etc. i always felt too much of an obligation to my family/friends/significant others, or just got scared. the utter frustration of repeated failure eventually ground that fear down. it’s a relief! it’s the first thing that’s made sense in a long time. the only odd thing about it is the surreality of getting one’s affairs in […]
I can honestly say i have no idea what direction my life is going, i see no future not even what may happen tomorrow,
i see no birthdays,
i see not a glimpse of true love
or that special day in that one white dress,
i see noÂ hospitalÂ where i bring home my legacy.
I see nothing but a cloudy mist .
I can’t see .
People say that people cut for attention.
Many cutters fight back saying things like “If it’s for attention, why are we hiding? Why are we lying?”
But I think that it’s completely different.
I don’t want anyone to know that I cut. I don’t want people to try to help me.Â
But sometimes I fantasize about someone seeing a glimpse of my wrist. I imagine that they grab my arm and stare, shocked. I want them to ask me why. And I want to tell them.
I don’t want people to know.
But all I want is to scream at the top of my lungs about how much it hurts.
Maybe it […]
My original post of this was a little harsh, so I posted a better version of it. I’m 25, married and suffering. This is just a glimpse of what my life has been like. At age 4 I was diagnosed with Spinabifida, and then my dad died. I grew up an angry kid. As I got older I got Appendicitis and lost tons of weight. I was down to near 70 pounds when they finally got the appendix out. After months of therapy I finally healed. Everything seemed to get better and so I wanted to start a new life. I got married and moved […]
That night…tall grass bathed in moonlight. The stars sparkle brightly as the North Pole’s breath travels down to where we are and dances across your cheek. Tall grass and white flowers..in thatÂ place Â next to theÂ brook and that wise old tree. We would stretch out between the roots under the spot where you carved our initials when we were young. The place where we fell in love, where you first tried to kiss me and I pulled away and ran as you chased me until i tripped over a secret root and you fell on top of me. Dear God we were only 13 and 14 […]
My name is Belle. I have never been on here before but I’ve been observing Miss Kyu for a while and I decided Â why not try it out just for the hell out of it? Seems fun enough. I am miss kyu’s darker and more hated side. She hates me. Haha. But she has no choice but to want and need me. Where else will she push all her regrets and negative emotions? Today is her birthday, she hates her birthday. So it’s a day where she runs away and lets me out for some fresh air. All day, both of us have been […]
a year and a half ago, i stood on the train tracks awaiting death. however, two women pulled me off. i was instantly hospitalized. i spent a month there, between inpatient and outpatient care. before then, i was in my first real relationship. we’d been together for over a year and he would constantly tell me how he plans on proposing to me. i get that i shouldn’t have believed it, that I’m too young for talk like that…but it all felt so real. a month before the incident, i approached my boyfriend, explaining to him how i wanted to end my life. at first, […]
Why can I not find the strength to say no to you? Why do I keep letting you in to my life even though I know when you leave it will hurt and destroy me.
Yet again you text me asking to come round and yet again I said yes. I promised myself that I would discuss my feelings and talk to you this time but it didn’t happen. You put on a film and sat there texting all night, whomever it was I don’t know but I caught a glimpse of the message and it hurt me deeply. You then asked if we could go […]
I know no one cares and no one wants to read this, but I want to tell the truth about myself. Â I am a complete joke, I amÂ desperatelyÂ in love with someone, they mean the world to me, I wouldÂ happilyÂ die for them, but I will never get to be with them, even if I only see a glimpse of their face, it has made my whole week, I would do anything just to say hello and for them toÂ acknowledgeÂ me. Because I know I will never be with them, I have made it the sole purpose of my life to makeÂ extraordinaryÂ achievements, Â so that maybe one day they […]
Gun show on Saturday. Hopefully the day of my suicide. I will make arrangements for someone to take the password to my iphone so they can get a good glimpse at y memoirs in my notes. I will begin to write suicide notes for all my loved ones, maybe send one last message onto the original suicide project. Good bye OSP. Good luck with your lives.Â Ut mortem occupet nos
Ut mortem occupet nos
Ut mortem occupet nos
Maybe in heaven, there will be understanding.
Understanding of the motives of each and everyone.
Understanding why they feel the way they feel.
Maybe it will be more than understanding, maybe you will get a first person glimpse of what it is like to be someone else.
Connecting of each other to form a peaceful, heavenly bond.
Madness, disappointment, RAGE,Â hatred, disgust, FEAR, sadness, grief, humiliation, shyness, cowardliness, regret, sorrow, loneliness, Physical pain, emotional pain, stress, turmoil, suffering, HOPELESSNESS, nonsense,Â will be overcame.
Maybe in heaven, things will all make sense. It will all PUZZLE together.
Why there is pain.
Pain adds character. Pain breedsÂ experience, wisdom, knowledge, meaning, bravery and resilience.
Pain makes […]
It’s petrifying how little from the world truly exists: only the now.
Such a narrow flickering glimpse.
The past is memory. The future is simulation. And they are both occurring in the now, the recalling of the memory, the playing of the simulation. Aren’t they?
But the mind refuses to admit it. The mind finds this microscopic now terribly boring. How can you compare this skimpy moment to the vastness of the past and the future? it asks.
I actually kind of enjoyed school today. Â Studying with classmates– I could almost pretend I had friends. Â And being playfully teased by a cute girl? Â I think I actually blushed.
But then I go home and the reality that I don’t really have any friends is inescapable. Â And I’m sure I’m too crazy for any girl to like me.
Is there something wrong with me?
Afraid to grow up
There is something wrong with me!
I want to be committed to cure my ailments. I am of clear thought of body and mind for all pertinent matters. My fear of seeking help is loss of respect from my family, social status, future, but most of all, my 2nd amendment right to bare arms. I shall stand naked holding my weapon of choice and I will […]
i dont have many friends, i have a few friends that i talk to at schoolÂ but i cant really rely on them, theirs onlyÂ 2 friend in my life that i can acctually talk to about things and trust they wont tell any one, but i only see one of them at school and the otherÂ 1 dont see i just talk to her on msn now and again but thats it and her life is fucked up her step dad kicked her out theirs no room at her mums so she’s staying at her sisters but her sister only lets her stay their if she luks […]