Hello all,
I joined this site because I wanted to find an anonymous way of writing down what I felt over the last few years without causing anyone I know (especially myself) any more issues. The last thing I need is my mother committing me, she already thinks I’m in some real trouble psychologically.

I have more to be happy about now as opposed to when I was 25, but it seems as though things are worse than ever. I have a real job, and Iagave some hobbies I’m active in. I worked hard to accomplish that. But I’m consistently crushingly lonely. I can’t meet girls-even the online stuff hasn’t worked for me (recently met someone who was imo perfect and they decided to move on after only one week (?!)) – and I have no real friends to speak of. I’m 30 years old and I know how pathetic that is to be saying that at my age. My career is going downhill now as well, I don’t know whether I’ll be a part of my company’s future and it’s apparent I’ve fucked up a good situation (just like always). I have to be very vigilant not to just self-destruct like I subconsciously want to and just quit everything and shoot myself in the head.

There have been times in my life before when I strongly considered killing myself but didn’t do so for one of the following reasons: it would hurt people I care about, things were worse before and I persevered, it would be giving up on what I worked so hard for, it would be a victory for my detractors etc. But at this point, it almost feels like my life is rudderless. There’s no reason for me to be excited about anything because I’m incompetent, I’ll always be by myself(so I can’t go do anything fun), and no one outside of my immediate family cares at all about me. I just don’t know how much longer I can continue to live this way. I guess things could be worse looking at things logically, but if that’s the case why is it that I’ve never felt this low?