I’ll be doing a mindless task, walking for example, and it will just hit me. Collide with me. I’ll remember a moment. Nothing even has to trigger it. It will just burst from my memory and lay before my eyes. There’s so many to choose from that there are plenty of things to trigger it though. Maybe I’ll walk past a cinema and I’ll remember the time we held hands watching a movie. Maybe I’ll hear a word and it’ll remind me of a conversation we had in which he used that word. Stupid.
Every time he finds someone new to confess his love to it hits hard. It’s like my body is trying to throw up my heart. My heart pounds, my hands shake, I start sweating and this awful gut-wrenching feeling takes over. The first 10 minutes after I find out are the hardest. I feel the tears coming, but whenever I do find out I’m in public, so I hold them back. I rarely cry.
After the fourth time we ended it I cried every night for three weeks. Stupid, since I am fifteen right. No one has ever given me such joy but filled me with such pain. I starve myself at first. Then I gorge myself.
Today it happened again. He confessed his love for another girl. 2 years he says. 2 years he’s loved her for. Within that time he’s dated me four times. What does that say about me? I think he’s lying though. He said it to another girl too. That girl was one of my closest friends. During our second time he confessed to me that he loved her, and always has. What does a fifteen year old know of love? Especially one who’s coming up to his eighteenth girlfriend.
Today when it happened I went into shut down. I ignored everyone around me. An hour later, I realised how ridiculous it was. I hid it. I think that’s safer. He won’t toy with my feelings if he thinks I don’t want him. But I do. I want him. I need him.
I want to feel his warmth, and I want to be able to stare into his eyes again. I was to interlock my fingers with his and play with them. I want for him to lay his head on my shoulder again. To just sit there in silence and be. I want it.
His newest ‘love’ is much more attractive than me. It hurts.
I remember everything. Every moment we had together. It’s a daily routine now really. Before I go to bed, I list through the memories. The day at the movies. Our first kiss. Our first kiss after he came back after he left for four month. It was a hard for months. His last day of school before he left. Music class. Facebook conversations. Everything. When he said he loved me, in his soft, beautiful, touching voice.
I miss him.
I miss us.
and if this is what life has to offer me, I don’t know if it’s something I want to be given.
I met him 1 year and 10 months ago.
I fell 1 year and 7 months ago.
Will the torture ever end?
How naive, obnoxious even, of me a fifteen year old to speak of such things. No life experience.
I think Im suicidal. I have suicidal thoughts? I see no point, really. No ‘God’ to rescue me, because the notion seems ridiculous to me. No ‘explanation’ or ‘meaning’ for human existence in my mind. Just a coincidental explosion of atoms and what not to create life. So why go on if I will have to face this? Why? Even though I may experience some times of happiness, why risk it if this sadness and hopelessness is guaranteed as part of the contract known as life?
2 comments
You’re a young girl. You’ll get over that I promise. I was there too when I was 16, except we were together for 3 years. And the way you feel about life? I felt the same. I don’t know what happened but as I got older the feeling went away and now I’m like the most upbeat person ever. It’ll pass. Life gets better. I’m 20 now and I couldn’t be happier with my life.
Breakups are very emotional. Am sorry for you.
Best way to rationalize things in life to to look at what one can change and what one can’t change. We have to accept what we can’t change.
What we can change is the effect we let people have on us and the opportunities we give people to hurt us. A serious thought is don’t give him that chance again!
This is learning from our mistakes. You also need to get him out of your mind at least for as much of the day as you can.
How about baking something with a friend or your mum. Your favourite muffins?
As the days pass it does get easier luckily 🙂 Though it does not feel like it at the time.
What it sounds like is that this guy is messing you around? As much as you ‘love him’.
We all build up this romantic view of people which, often only includes a few moments of perfect times and replay them in our heads a thousand times. This makes the person better than they are and this is what we base our love on.
Best thing is to really care about yourself and don’t let him hurt you again! Don’t let your memories make it seem like he is better than he is. Be realistic – it will hurt but then its easier to get over. There are phases: Shock, sadness, anger etc its important not to let any of the phases get too bad so try to control them and reject thoughts that will make you feel worse are that you know are not going to help.
Can you maybe treat yourself, to something new ….to take your mind off him. Even a small thing …. if you can to some new brand of shampoo, a new perfume, a new cd, a new outfit/PJ’s – anything you can. New stationery to make you feel good each day?
A good book to read it good too. Its important to know everyone goes through these things and you can share your hurt, even with another character or a book about something completely different to take your mind off it totally.
Luckily time passes and the heart heals – most important is not to torture yourself.
Controlling your thoughts and stilling ones mind, whilst keeping busy is important. Also doing nice things for someone you know – can help you feel better. Like even talking to a gran or elderly neighbour about their teen sweethearts and how they survived!
Also one can write out ones feelings – so many songs are written about heart break and being in love – its something everyone can identify with. You can make a copy and rip it up – symbolically healing your self and saying its not going to get you down anymore!
You are worth it!