I pretty much have been fighting with anxiety my whole life. Eventually, at the age of 16, my mind just shut down in the form of depression that would last for six years. What they don’t tell you though, amongst their protests of “It will get better, hang in there it will pass”, is that it doesn’t get any better. Depression was a black whole that stole my young adulthood. Back then I wanted nothing. Felt nothing. Cared about nothing. I wanted to die, but I never did anything to get there. Never did anything actually. It did pass though. However, I found myself in an even more difficult position; I dug a hole for myself through those dark years that had past. I want to have dreams. I want to experience life. I want to have good feelings. Trying to get out of this hole is turning out to be the most painful experience of my life. I’m crawling up the sides of the hell I’ve created for myself. Sometimes, you think you’re getting there. You can see that light up there, getting closer, but then you look around and realize you’re in the same place you’ve always been. The divide between being the person I want to be and the person that I am just seems to get larger.
I am 27 now, and I though that I would have figured something out for myself. That “thing” that defines you. A passion, a hobby you love, a life changing experience, friends, love. I find myself increasingly feeling alone and alienated. Like I don’t belong anywhere. I’m so tired of having negative feelings being the definition of who I am. I so badly want to change and try so hard. I’m sick of the self help books, the self improvement techniques, the psychiatrists, the councelors. I’m trapped and have no where to go. I will always be who I am, no matter how hard I try to fight myself. And that’s exactly what I’m doing. It’s like I’m always in a contest with myself. Fighting negative thoughts like fear, anxiety, lack of confidence, that feeling of tension through my whole body, lack of motivation, that self-loathing, having no one who really knows how you feel. Feeling shame and guilt. I want to scream. I want to scream. I WANT TO SCREAM. But why can’t I? It’s all in me and it can’t get out. I’m just so tired. All I want is peace.
Death is Asylum.
7 comments
I can understand about the psychologists and counselours. Do you like sports, Music, or history?
I think we all would love just to have peace in our minds.
I was thinking today of a surgery I had, when they knocked me out it was so fast, and I didn’t remember anything afterwards.
So I wonder if that is what death is like, just nothing ? Nothing, hum, just nothing.
I hear you especially about the anxiety and being sick of depression and psychiatrists and drugs and wotnot.im not going to bullshit you and say it gets better but you can make changes small ones at first.take little steps and try and change the way you think.im now 43 and struggle with all the same problems you do also I struggle with taking the medication in fact I’ve taken it on myself to remove most of it except for the mood stabilizer as I’m bipolar I’m not sure what you’re diagnosis is could it be they have it wrong and the treatment you ate getting isn’t right for you?just woundering.sometimes I feel trapped too.trapped by my inner turmoil which I’ve learnt to hide from others.recovery from depression can be a lonely road but it doesn’t have to be.as my depression keeps reoccurring I try and hide from my friends and family so as not to make them tire of me I don’t want them to define me with my bipolar but as a person who sometimes needs a bit of space.i hope you find something helpful from what I’ve said but above all else don’t give up your life is precious regardless of what your inner voice says good luck
Thanks for the replies. It is, in a sense, about peace. That’s all I want. If I could just stop feeling the anxiety. If I could stop going through life under constant fear. That would be enough.
me too. So tired of being told it’ll get better when after 7 years it’s only gotten worse.
I started getting really bad anxiety around 16
I’m still on anxiety pills and have anxiety anyway the drugs are a joke my psycholgist wants me to do some mindfulness stuff but I’m really resistant to lying on the floor trying to believe mental exercises are going to make a difference bah