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Celibate Suicide

by vestal

The first time I tried to kill myself was when I was eleven.  My father was the only person I had in the world, and he had died in spring.  I went to the school for advanced kids and we did a great deal of independent reading.  I’d learned about hypothermia.  I waited until a very cold winter day with feet upon feet of snow.  I put on my turquoise fur coat, which was the nicest thing I had.  I knew it would also make it look like an accident.  I chose a perfect time at night and laid out in the snow.

Needless to say, it didn’t work.

Both of my parents were abusive in different ways.  They’d also both been into hard drugs, which didn’t interest me.  I wanted to keep my sanity above all else.  I never had close friends, but I eventually got a boyfriend.  From the ages of 15 – 21, my impossible sadness was quelled by the enjoyment of sex.

When I turned 21, my boyfriend and I broke up.  We didn’t have anything in common anymore, but I would have stayed with him forever if I’d known I would be celibate.  Zoom ahead.  I’m 28, I’m almost completely celibate, and this has been the case for seven years.

It’s not looks, brains, motivation, or humor.  I have all of those.  People think I’ve had a nosejob and a boobjob.  People try to guess my ethnicity because I look like a country that doesn’t exist.  I have two degrees and steady, if not exciting, job prospects.  I keep people laughing all day.  I’m optimistic and always moving forward.

When I was 21, I got a new boyfriend.  He was a virgin and he enjoyed experimenting with all the things he’d seen in porn.  He wasn’t that interested in me, and he’d tell me a variety of reasons: I was too fat, no hips, no butt, belly too big, ugly hands, don’t wear heels, don’t dress sexy enough, don’t wear lingerie, need to wear makeup the way my sister does, need shorter hair, wear too much makeup, wear too little makeup, dress for ‘my mother’ (too modest).  He said I was a sick sex addict and that I should masturbate; then he’d mock me for masturbating.  He’d tell me to go out and sleep with other people because it wasn’t going to happen with him; then he’d change his mind the next week.  Eventually he decided that I needed to just be celibate like him.  We got married for a couple months at the end of our relationship.  We got divorced; it was never consummated.  I stopped attempting suicide, drinking to excess, and weaned off my extreme combo of prescriptions.  My family didn’t want me back after I got divorced, and my mom blames it on my ‘sex addiction’.

I got a new boyfriend.  I adore him in so many ways.  He was a heroin addict for many years, and was then on methadone for many years.  The methadone made him gain 100 lbs in a year.     When you wean down to 70 mg of methadone, it’s supposed to restore your lost sex drive, which is lost with time on methadone.  It never happened.  He’s been off the methadone completely for months.  We’ve been together over a year.  I need sex everyday.

We were supposed to move back to his hometown when I graduated, after paying off some debts.  But we still can’t have sex, and he won’t be sensual with me or help me masturbate.  I went and bought a new sex toy to replace my broken one tonight, but I was still in tears after using it.

I am not the person who can have casual sex.  My attachment style is “Broken”.  I have nobody in my life that I am close to except for a significant other.  If I had sex with someone, I’d quickly have feelings for them.  This is why I choose new boyfriends from the internet, so I don’t think with my crotch.   I know this about myself, and I also value fidelity and monogamy, so I don’t have sex with anyone at all.  I need a reason to look into the future.  The truth is, I’ll never believe any guy who says I’m beautiful but won’t prove it.  Not after my ex-husband.  And not after years of being ignored by guy friends and people in bars – they like feminine blondes.  Which is fine with me.  I just need one person who will have sex with me every day because they want to, not because they’re being forced.  Someone brilliant, like my boyfriend.  I want to keep him and my life.  But if this is what my life is going to be like in the future, I’m not going into that future.  If I’d known at 21 that it was over, I would have choked down my feelings and forced myself to have filthy bar sex.  If I’d known at 25 that my marriage wouldn’t be consummated, I wouldn’t have said yes.  If I’d known at 27 that divorce wouldn’t free me from this burden, I may not have done it.

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10 comments

8532110 8/9/2012 - 6:24 am

Sometimes we have to work to get what we want. Then again, what do I know – I’m sitting here wishing things were different.

lonelyash 8/9/2012 - 6:45 am

Hey Vestal . A long read and a lot going on there in that post. I feel that when you were actually depressed and sick of life sex bought you out of it. You are now searching for a true relationship which is difficult but not impossible to find. Why i feel it will be difficult because you have already had sex in your life that gave you so much pleasure that you want the same passion and fire again which might be difficult today (my reading, i may be wrong) Looking at your post i assume you have a stable job and money is not really the problem for you but its only that you need someone to want you for who you are and accept you, no bulshit. I think time can only get you that right person with a little patience. If you can try and control your urge for sex a bit it will be helpful for you at this very moment and calm your nerves down a bit. Email me if you want some tips on yoga or other meditation that can surely help you with your sex urge. It wont destroy the urge but to teach you how to keep it under your control. My email is attitudz_ashATyahooDOTcom. Hope everything turns out good for you and you get what you want. <3

juxtaposed 8/9/2012 - 10:56 am

You remind me of my good friend.
Except she hasn’t been married.
Not that she hasn’t had the opportunity.
She loves sex.
She usually wears out the men she dates.
Then gets bored and moves on.
I’m pretty sure I’m the only man that’s consistently been in her life for longer than five years.
She’s beautiful, smart, funny, well educated, has a great job. The whole package.
Sex probably preoccupies 90% of her thoughts.
A little while ago, she had a breakdown and a moment of enlightenment.
Sex doesn’t make the world go round, but it feels fucking great.
Sometimes you love a person for who they are, not what they give you.
Awkward. I totally just lost my train of thought.
I’m not sure where I was going with this.
Umm.
Stay strong. Take things one day at a time. And don’t forget to breathe.

louise50 8/9/2012 - 12:29 pm

Hi Vestal. That’s such an interesting post. You sound so intelligent, but tormented at the same time…well you’re in good company here, it’s kind of what we do…

Sex addiction. Not a comfortable state for anyone. Have you ever tried the Twelve Step approach (Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, SLAA)? I think somewhere down the line, because of early love and closeness deficits in your childhood, you have come to associate sex with true intimacy and love. Sex doesn’t truly have the significance you ascribe to it. But I’ve a feeling you already know that, because you’re an intelligent woman.

The real issues here are intimacy, closeness, love and trust. You have problems with all of the above, as evidenced by your lack of close friends, despite being funny and apparently good company.

Disclaimer: this is just my personal perspective. I don’t wish to offend in any way. I may be totally off-beam!

Reminds me of the immortal words of St Morrissey (of The Smiths) ‘If you’re so funny, then why are you on your own tonight?/And if you’re so clever, then why are you on your own tonight?/And if you’re so very entertaining, then why are you on your own tonight?/And if you’re so good looking, then why do you sleep alone tonight?’

Does any of the above make any sense at all?

Zx

Dawg 8/9/2012 - 1:12 pm

I think Louise is on to something here – not about the “addiction” – i don’t think you’re a “sex addict” at all because the sex addict would do any sex simply for the sex itself – but you have that “restriction” where you’d find random sex revolting and degrading (“filthy bar sex”) … but as louise says there’s this equation of the quantity of sex from the chosen loved one that translates into how much that person “loves” you.

that said, men are generally selfish idiots – where were you when I was healthy and in top “performing” shape? – at my age and health – i’d only be good for 2-3 times a week – but I still got my bag of tricks 😉 😀 – there’s nothing more satisfying that making your woman scream in unbridled ecstasy – but far to many men just want to “get theirs” and roll over and snooze without any concern for their partner.

i’m sure my “male” perspective may rub some the wrong way – but it is what it is.

vestal – i hope you can find something closer to what you need – and find a way to separate the intensity of the love/sex connection … it strikes me as similar to the women who see money in the same light that you see sex and it’s place in the relationship .. in that some women feel “unloved” if a man doesn’t spend a certain level or more of money on them to “show” how much they “love” them.

i’m sure somewhere along the line, compromises will need to be made – but your past and current relationship seems to have some fundamental problems beyond the frequency of sex – as i said – i think louise is in the ballpark – and jux was heading in the right direction before he derailed himself 😉

perhaps some type of professional therapy is needed to help understand and, if needed, adjust your value systems and how they work.

sexless dawg

vestal 8/10/2012 - 3:26 am

Thanks. I truly believe things will get better. They have to. Nobody at the end of a long life says ‘I wish I’d killed myself at ___ age’.

vestal 8/10/2012 - 3:30 am

I don’t know why I am this way. Some months it is easier than others to ignore the fact that I want sex more than food.
I absolutely love the person I am with. I adore him. I’ve put a year into waiting for him to be able to have sex again, and I have to believe it will happen someday. Sometimes I lose hope. I stopped smoking cigarettes four days ago and it’s magnifying the feeling that everything good has been taken away, that I can’t have anything I want.

The friends issue is a little more complicated. I live in a conservative, religious community with a strong counter culture. People who aren’t religious either fall into drugs or revolve around the bar scene. I make friends, and they think I’m great, but they are just distant acquaintances. I want close, intimate friendships. The only real friends I’ve ever had are online.

lonelyash 8/10/2012 - 3:51 am

Good times are around the corner for you. You have done so much to be with this guy, it will work out with time. Just be strong and positive as you are now, everything will work out for you. About friends i would just like to say that we all are here on SP because here we can make friends who understand us and take us for who we are. You dont need to fake it here, like in the outside world and that is what i like about it the most. So interact with people here, chat with them and pour your heart out. I can bet there are many just like me willing to help you, be there for you and be friends.

vestal 8/20/2012 - 3:06 am

I really appreciate you guys, and that this site exists.

YellowDog2011 10/11/2012 - 2:45 am

thanks for your reply on my “rant”. Regarding your post I think you need to relax and realize that you have a lot of time. At the same time don’t give up on sex because of someone else. Tell your boyfriend to get his ass to the gym and start working on those testosterone levels. It is an important part of any relationship (IMHO) otherwise you are just really good friends. All I can say is hold out for another couple years. There is a reason they call it the “dirty 30s”. I’m not going to disgust everyone with my stories from my 30s but I will tell you it was with only 2 different women and I spent most days with a stupid grin on my face and a feeling like I had been “bad” (but in a dirty/good way). My only regret is we never made a baby. ANYWAY, Regarding “sex addiction” I have used the term sarcastically to refer to a healthy libido, But like my religious friend tells me, something is not an addiction if it doesn’t interfere with your work or family life (maybe its in The Bible, LOL) .

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