Is it really fair to my family for them to watch me in pain, to be distant, to hide my depression. When i grew up, my mom and dad divorced. I lived with my mom, she was depressed and threaten to me that she would kill herself. I was only 7 at the time. Every morning waking up and wondering if I was going to lose her.
Now, I’m depressed and I have been wanting to drive my truck 100 mph and run into a telephone poll or something. Is it fair that I make my 6 month old son watch me in pain? Wouldn’t it be better if I did just finish my miserable life so that he won’t have to watch my pain?
9 comments
you mom’s depression was her’s and her’s alone – you don’t need to keep carrying that baggage – that part of life is over … and I’m assuming your mom is still among the living so, there’s your answer – she found YOU to be more important – every day, despite her pain/depression. fair or not – your son only gets one set of parents – you’re “it” … focus on making your son’s life everything you wished yours could be as best you can.
and driving into a pole is a really, REALLY bad idea … REALLY bad idea … you’ll end up with a headache and a broken truck – then you’ll REALLY be depressed … focus on ways to improve yourself and your family’s lives for the sake of your child
papa dawg
her depression hurt me, hurt me everyday, to the point that I feel that being depressed is the only way to live. She still is alive and still is depressed. When I try to talk to her about it, she gets mad and makes me feel like its all my fault. I just can’t do that to my son and I’m scared that I will be just like my mom.
Your family loves you and that love will not just evaporate after you are gone!! Your death will devestate them! I understand what your saying though and I have had that same thought!! When you die its over done gone no more chances!! As long as you are alive there is a chance for recovery!! You are not a burden you are a person, a person who deserves a full life and to find happiness!! Dont give up!! -layne
It’s really as simple (not easy – but simple) as recognizing that the depression is her’s – not yours … If SHE chooses depression – that’s her choice to make … you don’t HAVE to choose it … my dad hit me as punishment/discipline (not abuse) … as an adult, even though that is “how i was raised”, I chose to NEVER lay a hand on my children in anger or as a “lesson” … don’t be scared – just choose you path definitively and go with it, you will only be “just like your mom” if you let yourself – and it’s no “disrespect” to her to do it differently than she did.
As far as “who’s fault” it is … it’s typical avoidance of responsibility and reflection into one’s own short comings to deflect and “blame” others for that which we are ultimately solely responsible for – if your mom doesn’t want to “own” her mistakes, that’s her business – you don’t need to “own” them for her – you are the child in the relationship – it was HER responsibility to be the parent, not yours … but going forward – it WILL be your responsibility to be the best parent YOU can be for your kids despite your upbringing – dare to be better 🙂
dawg
Dawg,
I know what your saying. I’ve been telling myself that for the last 35 years. It’s her depression.
I just have a HUGH fear that I will inadvertently do the same thing to my son. Although that is not the reason I am depressed, but that just added to it. The other night, he was crying and I thought about spanking him because he was crying. That’s something my mom did to me and my nephews. That thought really set my heart on fire with guilt. Guilt that I WILL do something to make my son as miserable as I am. The old saying, “Misery loves company” is so true. My mom did it to me and I fear of doing it to my son.
Thanks for your words, it does help. But driving home, I’m sure the thought will enter my mind. Its been there for many years, lurking in the back of my mind, “Just do it, hit the gas and go! Telephone pole, train, 18 wheeler! Man, get the f&*k out of this world, you idoit! All you’re going to do is ruin someone else’s life it you don’t!”
35 years?!? dude – release yourself – drop that anchor – you’re killing yourself worrying about shit that don’t need worrying about – don’t be “sure” the thought will enter your mind – be “sure” that it won’t – you’re talking about ending your life over stuff that hasn’t happened – and that you have complete power and control to ensure does NOT happen.
One of my pet peeves was always when someone said “because” or “because that the way it’s always been” … well the world used to be “definitely FLAT” and they used to burn “witches” at the stake and the sun used to revolve around the earth which used to be the center of the universe – “Because” is an answer for people too lazy or afraid to truly know “WHY” … if the reason you are going to do ANYTHING is “because” … then STOP – don’t do anything until you answer the question “But, WHY?”
also – a telephone pole is a bad idea because it has low probability – and hitting a train or semi-truck is to drag a completely innocent person (truck/train driver) into your drama – leave them out of it
reality dawg
So Dawg, you’re saying that my depression is just something in my head. There’s really nothing to it. The feelings I’m having aren’t real.
You’re right about involving innocent ppl. There’s only 2 ppl I should bring into the hell I’m living, Mr Smith and Mr Wesson.
Goodbye
im sure he didn’t mean that, i think he meant that its psychological to get out of it put your friends down mr jack and mr daniels wants to see you
Don’t be silly – i never said that it wasn’t “real” or that there was “nothing” to it – if it wasn’t “real” you would be here so it’s very “real”. the first thing I would suggest is to see a therapist/doctor to find out if there is some physical/chemical cause – i probably should have said that initially, but so many who come here have already done that or have been refused/rejected or can’t afford it. for that matter, your mother should try and get help too.
the impression i get from what you write (and please realize – i have no other input other than your words) is that your situation is like the proverbial “glass half empty/full” … and how you choose to interpret the data dictates how you feel and perceive your situation. so in THAT sense … and in the absence of any medical/psychological diagnosis … yes – the feelings are “in your head” because that is where we interpret and process all of our sensory input.
that said, you get to choose how to weigh, process and interpret the data/information. you can see yourself as the potential threat to your child or you can see yourself as the PROTECTOR of your child – because if you kill yourself, your mother might play a larger role in the child’s upbringing. you see – since you are NOT your mom, and your son is NOT you – the same thing that happened to you CANNOT happen to your son unless you MAKE it happen or LET it happen … only you have the power to protect your son from that fate … and to actually protect him, you have to BE THERE.
You get to choose if the glass is half empty or half full – either way – it has the same amount of water in it … or jack danials, if your prefer 😉
you can wake up every day and say “today, i’m going to fill my son’s life with positive and happy thoughts and actions” … or you can choose to do what you have been doing and live in “fear” and withdraw from your son.
Leave what happened to you in the past – no is your chance to re-do childhood through your child, the way you would have wanted it for yourself … somehow, i don’t think when you were a kid, you wanted to find your mom’s dead body and know you’d never see her again no matter how hard her life was … you son’s life will NOT be better with that image in his head.
FYI – at any time you are welcome to completely disregard any and everything i’ve said and tell me to shut my pie hole – again – your choice.
sand pounding dawg