Goals?

I’ve never really set goals for myself…mostly because since I was 14 I have always seen myself commiting suicide at a young age and dying young. I fight every single day not to kill myself because it just seems like my destiny…..

Recently I have been thinking a lot about my situation and what could have helped me not turn out this way. I realize that a lot of my behaviors are because of the abuse of my childhood. I have spent many years thinking that i was defective, crazy, beyond help and basically just irreversibly fucked up. I know that other people feel that way. I know that other people spend their entire lives thinking they are beyond help and feeling guilty feelings over things are truly beyond their control.

I would really like to work with people like me, that is if I can get over all of my issues and learn to really live. I would like to work in behavioral analysis with abused children. Figuring out how abuse effects their everyday behaviors and what are the long term effects of abuse. Once we figure out what they are then maybe we can figure a way to stop those behaviors and help people like me go on to live a normal life. Maybe abuse doesn’ t have to define us….maybe there is hope…maybe there’s no such thing as being irreversibly fucked up. Hope is the key….  I just have to find it. I don’t want to live wanting to die. I want to learn to live life and be relatively happy. I want to have a purpose and make a difference.

Is that possible? I don’t know…. but I’m gonna try like hell to find out