:( got nobody to talk to

i’ve been depressed since i was 14, that was 8 years ago….im surprised i made it this far. when i was 15 i was just starting to get happy again and then i caught my brother spying through the crack under my bedroom door while i was undressed. for the next little bit that was the worst id ever been. i know its not as bad as other ppls stories but i was terrified of being raped by him every time i dressed, showed, or went to sleep everyday for the next 5 years until he moved out. i was already a little messed up my bedroom was the only place i ever really felt safe.. it was my own quiet place that i could be safe in and he turned it into a fucking display case. while being terrifed about being raped i used to plan out what if it actually happened…i planned on murdering him and then killing myself. now 8 years later still depressed, pretty much over it but still messed up, failed university which is the only thing i really ever cared about, and i dont have anyone in my life to talk to. no body knows how depressed i am, im worried that if i tell them then theyll treat me differently or think im messed up and distance themselves from me or if i ever decided to go through with it then somebody would stop me. wouldnt that be tragic? lol…..this is the first post ive written but i love this site it makes me feel so at home as messed up as that is.