I have so many reasons to live my children who love me and the grandchildren they have and are giving me, a place to live and a job so why do i suffer from suicidal thoughts all the time .. I may have 7 children but does that mean i have been a good mother? and would they really miss me when i am gone? my kids are from 3 different fathers so what does that say about me as a person? why do i find it so hard to find someone i want to be with and be truly happy with? why does the one person that i feel any kind of connection with live half way round the world from me and suffers from the same draining depression as i do? is it because we do both suffer from it that we are drawn together? why can i not find it in myself to either pull myself up and get on with my life or truly end it all instead of this miserable half life that i seem to be living? … i know depression runs in family’s so what inheritance have i given my kids?
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Depression is a horrible thing that drags us down, and makes it hard to get back up. I find it a comforting feeling. You have nothing to be ashamed of though, for your situation or your children. I think you have a lot to be proud of; it sounds like you’ve accomplished a lot.
As far as inheritance goes, my mother blessed both my sister and I with depression. Its on her entire half of the family tree and she always felt regret for having children because she never wanted them to feel like herself. Sometimes I think she’s right to feel that, but I just hope I made her happy enough to feel differently. Like she did right.
my youngest child is already on her 3rd type of anti-depressants and shes only 21 .. one of her older brothers has tried several times to kill himself .. i dont like waking up every morning and my first thoughts are always why am i still here how can i get out without hurting anyone