I’m really, really sad.
But at the same time everything just seems so free right now. I just want to be free. I think I make believe too much. I pretend that I’m this girl who just has fun and doesn’t care and is free. The only time I’m free is when I’m intoxicated by alcohol and/or drugs.
That’s not ‘free’, That’s a prisoner. I’m a prisoner.
I think it’s getting serious again too but I dont know where or how to get help because of trust issues, And also the fact that
When I’m sad, I have no friends.
Now people think I’m happy and I have friends, I’m in a relationship, And people actually have a positive opinion of me, Which is a lovely change.
People are suspecting now though.
”Why is she drinking at 10am?” ”Why was she happy when I saw her today but she’s online 5 hours later in a mess?”
Everything is rushing back to me. I can’t look at myself without feeling sick, But I can’t go back to the way I was. No one loved me then. I’m not saying anyone loves me now but at least I have people. No one loves a dying girl.
Then the self harm, Oh the self harm is calling back to me every single waking night. I sit up in bed just looking at my arm. But again, I can’t. I have friends whom I’v promised not to hurt myself because of, I have a boyfriend who just wouldn’t understand and who would leave the moment he knew. I don’t want to hurt anyone any more, I’v done too much of that to too many people and It’s enough.
I’m being so, so selfish but I’m literally in tears every night because something is just so wrong and I can’t do anything about it.
Even though I have people around me every day, someone to kiss me and numbers of people to talk and laugh with, I feel so alone and helpless.
I can’t even say this to anyone in fear of pushing them away.
I don’t want to push people away any more.
I almost want them to push me away,
So I don’t hurt them. Only myself.
That’s the way it should be.