I have a great night planned tomorrow night. Basically, it’s a trial run of my last couple of hours here.
First up, I’ll be having a KFC Zinger Burger. I know it’s not the most glamourous last meal.  But, the humble Zinger burger is in my Top 10 Favourite Foods, so it’ll do the job. I may even get a piece of Original Recipe to go with it.
Then, I’ll be going to the spot that I mentioned a few weeks back. I’ll sit there for a while and contemplate everything and nothing.
Finally, I’ll continue what I started on Sunday, and experiment with self-strangulation. I hope to render myself unconscious for a while. When I come to, I might be a little out of it, but hopefully not too out of it so that I can’t get home.Â
If nothing else, it might help me decide if this is really what I want to do. If it is, then I’ll probably do it for real in the next few weeks, only using one of my 3 actual methods rather than a crude temporary simulation of what it may be like to fade out of this world and into the next. I’ll be sure to post my findings here, in case anyone is interested.
16 comments
sigh….you’re a wonderful person from what I’ve seen from you on my thread. I hope that you choose not to leave this world. And strangulation is..painful suffering…it’ll hurt me but I hope you choose the right thing for you, and hope you make the right decision.
Thankyou for your kind words, imperfectluck. However, I am a deeply flawed individual. Whilst I had some issues to contend with in my early years, it was nowhere nearly as bad as what you or many other here have endured. Most normal people would have been able to suck it up and move on; those with an exceptionally strong character (such as yourself) would have used these experiences as fuel to burn brightly and build an amazing life for themselves and those they touch.
One of my flaws is a relatively low pain threshold, hence my ongoing mental pain. Another flaw I have is that I am cowardly, and my instinctive response to pain is to run away from it. I tried running away from pain at home by settling down too early with another that also had similar pain (and a similiar coping mechanism), in the hope that it would result in living happily ever after. It worked for a while, until I just ran out of energy to run.
When I stopped running, things caught up with me. The most painful of which is the realisation that I had wasted almost half my (predicted) life span trying to please others, and it took someone else to tap me on the shoulder and tell me this. The thing is the person that delivered this message to me is quite possibly the person I should have waited for.
Having said all of the above, it’s not one particular event that has led me here. However, it is one person that is responsible for plotting my demise. I see him in the mirror every morning; just seeing his face sickens me.
I should qualify the above by saying that running away isn’t the problem per se; it’s running to the wrong place and for the wrong reasons. Had I gone to University and decided to study what I wanted to study, that would have been a form of running away. However, I would be far more fulfilled right now. In fact, I probably wouldn’t even know this site existed.
I guess just the kind words you’re able to put out to people and help them make it through a day or so should be gratifying and maybe along the lines someone can return the favor and help you…
I mean it can’t be too late to go to University and study what you’d like to do is it?
Please email me question3369 at yahoo dot com regarding this post. I can relate to some of what you’ve said here and I’d like to talk to you off the board.
http://suicideproject.org/2012/07/the-only-two-basic-human-emotions-are-love-and-fear/
The above post, and my comments made as a follow up to said post, should give you a clear picture as to where I’m at and how I got here.
@sickeveryday00: Thanks for that. I will touch base via email soon.
I wanted to see what the initial tightness around my neck would feel like with belts on my closet bar before its short so id have to bend my knees to actually do the deed in there. I wanted to see what it felt like with weight so I started ro bend them and release weight. It got tight pretty quickly. Felt way to.real…like i was actually going to do it. So I took it off and threw the belts in the back of closet. I didn’t even plan it or anything was feeling down and just grabbed the belts to try it. Was.really scary. You seem like a cool guy I’ve never talked to you on a personal level but have seen.your posts and comments. I really hope things get better for you. Obviously I can’t be there to help you but if u need someone to talk to u can always email me.
Don’t go. Life can be a little cruel, but you know, suicide is a eternity of darkness for a temporary problem. I know that this might go against your beleif but if I may,
I beleive life is a gift given by teh good Lord himself. K.I.T
If you can contact me, Plz do
therano1514@gmail.com
@butterflyfly: In a fit of sheer frustration, I tied a cord around my neck a couple of days back and pulled each end as tightly as possible for as long as I could. As I did it while I was standing up, I let go as soon as I could feel myself going backwards on my feet. I figured that had I fallen backwards and concussed myself in my kitchen, I would have a lot of explaining to do when I came to. As such, my next attempt will be made whilst in a sitting position. I may tie one end of the cord to a firmly secured object so I can use two hands to pull the other end, thus tightening around my neck further (in theory).
Oddly enough, the actual sensation was almost nice. I don’t remember much, other than that every sound I heard during and just after I finished seemed to take on an echoing metallic quality.
@here_lies_hope: I approved your posts on the basis that (a) I have a problem with censorship and (b) there are some people that may be interested in liaising with you. With all due respect, whilst I appreciate your sentiments, I will politely decline your offer to correspond via email. As soon as someone trots out lines such as ‘life is a gift given by the good Lord himself’, I tend to tune out. But thanks anyway.
Well I use to blackout as a teenager from not eating so I know that sounds get this really weird tone to them and then it would go all static like with ringing and my eyes use to tunnel out and go black. It doesn’t frighten u at all?
HI Sansesperer. I have always loved your name, it sounds so poetic and I studied French at Uni.
Talking of Uni, could that not, as Imperfectluck said be a reason to go on? We are all of us cowardly at times, Sans, you would hardly be alone there. Maybe it’s even a qualification for being on this site, because we’re all too chicken to do the dread deed and just get it over with!
Please don’t be so down on yourself. I would really miss your compassionate and beautifully written contributions.
Zx
@butterflyfly: No, not at all. I’ve pretty much reached the point where I think I’m pretty much done and can’t contribute any more to society. I also feel an overwhelming sense of awkwardness. Whilst I may come across well in writing, it is because I have a lot of time to fine tune my responses. I don’t have this luxury in real life, so I have this habit of coming across as a world class doofus.
@Zoe: Thank you. I am a huge fan of France and almost all things French. When coming up with a screen name, I put the phrase ‘without hope’ into Google Translate and this is what I got.
Going to Uni had crossed my mind. However, my current financial situation prevents me from taking enough time off work to study. Even if I could, I doubt that the passion I had in my younger days still exists. Thank you also for the kind words, it is appreciated.
I should make it clear again that tomorrow night is just a test run. I may get to my chosen spot and then have an epiphany. On the other hand, it might confirm my feelings that I’m ready to go.
Post back if you’re still here. I actually got to the point of tying a 7 ft rope made from a bedsheet around my neck on top of an open roof. If I’d have jumped my neck would’ve snapped instantly… but making that choice is hard, gut wrenching to say the least… I choked and just said, next time.
When or if you actually got there, don’t expect that you’ll actually do it, and don’t be afraid to call it all off…. it might really be the best choice or you might just stop yourself when you’re unconciouss and wake up with brain damage.
@Ekunokin: I’m still here. I’ll be doing this in about 5 hours time if all things go well. I’ll be sure to post.
I’m not sure if I’ll have a similar change of heart as you did with the bedsheet. Like I said, the process is just as much mental as physical, and it’s multi-layered. For instance, I might find flaws in the the ‘perfect’ spot I’ve found. I suspect I will sit in my car, fully conscious and sober, for a fair while. I’ll need some time to check in here beforehand, tidy up some affairs, set up some things in case tonight is TOO successful etc.
In some ways, I wonder if brain damage would be such a bad thing? If it means that I completely lose comprehension of my circumstances, isn’t that a cure of sorts? I know it would be many times worse for those I leave behind than it would be if I just died, but if I didn’t know this then would I really care?
Ah sansesperer. Well, I’ve said this before, but I really hope you don’t come to that conclusion that killing yourself is the ideal choice. You’re a wonderful person, very intelligent, and just hate to see more smart people dying off and being replaced with a bunch of mindless idiots. If anything this world needs more intelligent people like you to somehow save this world from mere stupidity.
Just think this thouroughly and make sure it’s the ABSOLUTE best decision and it suits you the best.
Best of luck.