just a glimpse.

a year and a half ago, i stood on the train tracks awaiting death. however, two women pulled me off. i was instantly hospitalized. i spent a month there, between inpatient and outpatient care. before then, i was in my first real relationship. we’d been together for over a year and he would constantly tell me how he plans on proposing to me. i get that i shouldn’t have believed it, that I’m too young for talk like that…but it all felt so real. a month before the incident, i approached my boyfriend, explaining to him how i wanted to end my life. at first, he was supportive and loving. then after a couple weeks of me relying on him when i would get upset, things changed. the day i found myself on the train tracks, he told me that he couldn’t handle me anymore and that he didn’t care what happened to me at all. for me, that was the final straw. while in the hospital, the man that supposedly loved me, hooked up with 3 girls a night and made me feel like a nobody. from then on, things got worse. & now, I’m the laughing stock of my little town.

Months later, after never speaking to my ex again and gathering myself together, i became friends with girls who ended up turning on me about a month ago. i had gotten into a fight with them, and after that all hell broke lose. they knew everything that happened with me and told the entire town. not a single person doesn’t know now. not only did they tell the world, they repeatedly told me that i should be dead. that nobody likes me anyways. & how ashamed my family should be because they’re related to me. they shouted names at me down the hall way, harrassed me over Facebook, and spread rumors about me being pregnant. Everyone says to just ignore it, but i can’t take it anymore. I know the things that they said to me was months ago, but that doesn’t remove it from my head. every single day their words run through my head and everyday i ask myself if its true. who knows, it probably is. I feel more alone than ever before.

my brother is 19 and has already been placed in rehab 3 times. My older sister was hospitalized for bulimia and anorexia. she now has a little girl who is the light of my life. I’ve grown up around hospitalization, to a point in which i thought it to be normal. i know that i sound pathetic, that i have no reason to be suicidal over the stupid problems that happen in my life. but everything just hits me so hard. i take everything so personally. all i have left is my family. i know that im lucky to even have them, but sometimes its just not enough. i need someone who’s not related to me to always be by my side; to prove to me that my life could have a purpose. will that ever happen? is it even possible? who knows. I’m completely hopeless.