I’ve been battling depression for as long as I can remember. Dr trials, pill trials, I couldn’t take it. They finally stuck me on Pristiq and dismissed all of my issues. It’s teen angst, he has nothing to be sad about.Â
Who in the world is entitled to decide how I should feel? Everybody is just ‘fine’ all the time. Here’s a shocking fact: I’m not fine. I’m on the opposite end of the spectrum. I’ve relapsed into this state of self loathing and loneliness I thought I conquered years ago. Some how, after everything I’ve been through, it decides to rear its head NOW. I don’t understand why I feel this way and more dangerously, why I enjoy feeling down.
I used to use drugs to escape this. To escape who I am, this world and everyone in it. People wonder how I can be so sad.
Recently I’ve been feeling alone to the 90th degree. Everyone I’ve ever loved has turned their back on me: my best friend died of a heroin OD, my mother is crazy, dad hates me, close friends use me. It’s awful. I feel like dying more so than usual, I just want to curl up in a ball and never leave my room again. This house is evil.
5 comments
I’m not going to tell you things are going to get better. im sure everyone hates that phrase, but i know what youre going through. i feel the same way about my depression. i love it. i dont take my medications because i cant live without my pain. and my pain is whats killing me. and it sounds like its also killing you too,
Indeed it is. It’s a bitter sweet addiction that makes me almost euphoric.
Sometimes it just gets too hard to handle.
i agree its very bitter sweet. but id rather feel pain then nothing at all.
Pain has never been a sign of weakness; it’s an indicator that we’re still alive. That we can feel. Some of us just like its company more.
If you can truly accept your painful feelings, even just in this moment, you can find peace.
Good luck.