Last night I had a very unpleasant dinner with my relatives. I’m ‘home’ from out of town … a 50 yo gay man, partnered for nearly 20 years, home to help find my mother an assisted living facility. she has dementia. i have sisters who live here, but they don’t really seem capable of understanding what needs to be done.
At dinner, my sister’s husband launched into a racist, bigoted line of conversation. i can’t stand it, and i asked that we not have that conversation … they all know how i feel, and yet they persisted. No one came to my defense or stood with me. i’m 50 years old and felt like a worthless piece of shit.
It’s all too much and I wrestle between divorcing myself from them, and simply ending it all so i don’t have to deal. i’m not sure who i hate more … them or myself.
when i got back to my hotel room (no, i don’t stay with any of my family even though they all have extra rooms) i wrote this poem. seems that i made peace with myself … at least for now. honestly, i’m just not sure what i’ll do.
LOSING A LOVED ONE
Losing a loved one is hard
There are those you love because you simply can’t live without them
There are those you love because you are taught that you’re supposed to
Losing a loved one is hard
You might lose them because they just stop breathing
Sometimes, you lose them because they prevent you from exhaling
Losing a loved one is hard
Sometimes, you realize that a loved one’s hate and bias is simply too great to embrace
And with every breath, they deny you the right to be who you are
Losing a loved one is hard
But, sometimes you must choose between loving yourself for what you believe and loving someone else because of what you’re taught to believe
Losing a loved one is hard, but not as hard as giving up on who you are
3 comments
Ready, Im sorry your family treated you like that. Its something we as family members do, we say and do things we normally wouldnt because we are with family, we know or at least we think we do, that it doesnt matter what we say or do because we think our family will allways be there.
But hurting your self is not the answer, i would say exile yourself from them before hurting your self, sometimes people need a fresh start, maybe you and your partner should move a few hours away, or just take a holiday and sorrund yourself with only the love of your partner, it will do you the world of good, i hope this helps.
Peace
Unique
I know how you feel i live in the country and conversations that derail into racist/lgbt bashings are common. Don’t worry this is one problem that society IS slowly abating. There may never come a time when there won’t be wars or crime, but there will definitely come a time when there is no more racism or unfounded bigotry.
wow, I have great respect for you my friend, I am a 46 year old gay man, and I have never come out to my family, I am alone and I have always been alone, I have never been in love with someone that I could admit it to and I have never been loved by another, I have never found the strength required to risk losing my family by letting them know how I feel, I wish I was as strong as you have been, at least your family knows who you are and who we love should not be what we are judged on because no human has the right to judge another all of us have come up short somewhere, how can they judge a gay person for gay and how can one that is not gay say that being gay is a choice we made, it was not a choice for me, I hope you never take your own life, someoen like me needs people like you to remind us that we are more than what other people think of us, Thank you for sharing