I’m really not seeing a reason to continue fighting my debilitating depression and anxiety. I have never had a reprieve in my 28 years, despite various medications, spiritual journeys, and self-help literature.
I have always held myself to a very high standard and have been relentless with trying to reach success from a very early age. I survived an abusive childhood with an alcoholic father. Â I thought that getting married, getting a Masters degree, and starting my career would bring me the happiness I so desperately want and the outside validation to prove that I am a good person.
I loved my husband with all of my heart, but made bad choices because of my self-loathing and incredibly low self-esteem. I hid my bulimia, spending habits, substance use, and even reaching out to an old ex-boyfriend from him. He eventually found out about all of these things, and it crushed him. He did try and stay by my side for a little while, but one person can only weather so much. I will never be able to forgive myself for what I did to someone who really did love me. All I’ve ever wanted is love and security, and I got it, and I sabotaged it. I will never have that again because I am truly a bad person with some serious problems. He is divorcing me.
Now, I am alone, with a ridiculous amount of debt that I will never be able to pay off. Literal money debt, and also debt to all the people who ever loved me, especially my husband. I have no dreams or hopes for the future. I chased what I thought were my dreams–a husband, an advanced degree–and I am still at a loss. I have nothing else. I have a career, but I am miserable, I live in the middle of nowhere and am getting older every day. Here, my chance of finding someone who loved me like my husband is slim to none.
I can’t get myself to clean my house, exercise, and work is quite a struggle. I truly feel I have suffered enough and all I see is more suffering in my future. I think if my family and close friends knew the pain I was feeling, they would be appalled and terrified. I am appalled and terrified, and have no clue how to live a satisfying, least of all content, life. And I have just dug myself quite a hole with no energy to get out of it.
6 comments
Although i have never been married, i can relate to many of your experiences.
I am in the same situation as you, to have had love, but to have sabotaged it. I, however, have no debt, quite the opposite, and yet without my darling, there seems no point to life, and I just cannot live the rest of my life knowing that I lost the very best man on the planet. I totally understand how you are feeling, albeit you must be feeling worse because of your money troubles.
We are not without our faults.
There’s a saying in 12 step fellowships, the hole we dug stops getting deeper when we put down the shovel.
I am male yet can relate to destroying a marriage to the best women I ever knew.
If your at the point of suicide, just make certain that is what you want. Suicide permanently ends the problems for us only, there are the ones we leave behind that have to deal with our deaths.
I think if we get to that point and make the choice to leave the physical world its all good, I think we transfer to another plain of existence. Of course I don’t know nor does anyone else know what if anything is after physical death.
Its hard to read your post and not feel emphathy for your situation.
That’s good advice, Cacuajun. I’m going to put down my shovel and try not to think about anything for awhile. Easier said than done though. How I wish I could have my memory erased. I would give an arm to have no memory of the past 6 years of my life. To forget that I ever fell in love.
‘I am truly a bad person’ misguided? I can’t let that go by unchallenged. Misguided you might indeed have been. There is really no such thing as ‘a bad person’, only bad choices in my humble opinion. I’m afraid you are beating yourself up something rotten, and I speak as someone who, when depressed, does exactly the same.
You are also dwelling on your regrets about your husband and the ‘debt’ you feel toward everyone who has ever cared about you. Does human love really work that way Misguided? Is it basically like money, that if you have received love you ‘have’ to pay it back? Have you yourself shown no love to any of these people at any time, is that what you’re saying? All of it seems to drive you to this same conclusion, that you are a terrible person who doesn’t deserve to live. ‘Serious problems’, I can accept. But I will never accept this ‘bad person’ stuff.
Please can you cut yourself a bit of slack Misguided? Go easy on yourself. You’re more like the rest of the human race than you give yourself credit for.
All the best to you. Zx