N915

I am going to die- something I always think about yet never do. There’s no one to talk to, no one to rant to, no one that truly understands me… Not that anyone needs to- if you’re going to care, don’t leave me. a majority of people I told eventually left me- why? Was i too crazy for you? Didn’t you understand me? You didn’t want to associate with a suicidal, depressed, freak? Is that it? It is absolutely the worst feeling in the world. i can’t connect with many people- you can’t just TRY to relate something to me -or even LYING – just to “try” to connect with me; it doesn’t work that way. many of you care- i don’t know how much you really care, but it doesn’t even matter! why am i even alive? I should’ve been dead back in 8th grade. besides, no one cared about me back then. i miss who i was before… I wish people knew me when i was happy
I’ve got to admit, I’ve been better- but, some things still remain… i still hate everything. i still want to die. i don’t want to live- THOUGH, i do [now] have reasons to live. maybe i should just lie to everyone- pretend i’m happy. put on my “mask” again BECAUSE when i pretended to be someone i wasn’t, everyone was happier and the world just seemed to just move on without me. I’ve been pretending for 3 years to be the happiest person alive when i really wanted to die. if i pretended, people wouldn’t have to put up with my rants. people wouldn’t have their time wasted on me. the world could just move on without me- just let me die, and everyone would be so much happier. i’m a burden on everybody’s lives. i’ve done bad things. along the way, i’ve met really nice friends- if only i wasn’t suicidal and depressed… heck, i wouldn’t be surprised if our friendship ended. ‘sides, everyone else left me- no one wants to associate with me. that’s why i should pretend and act again… this way, i would live a lie- a painless life. either way i suffer in the end. eventually, by illness or suicide, everyone would get what they want and i would be dead. it’s sad for the people that “knows me” has NO FREAK’N IDEA what i am REALLY like – apart from all this depression and suicide. they can’t see it and i can’t show them. i can only tell them who i really am – seeing how i’m not going to get through this. I’M NOT GOING TO GET THROUGH THIS. i’m not. someday, i’d like a “normal” conversation with someone. a conversation where we could talk about good, positive stuff- things i like, what i do- or just simply play music the entire day [that would be amazing] everytime i talk to someone, whether in person [i rarely talk to anyone let alone hang out with anyone now days] or by online chat, it’s always about….how helpless i am, or how screwed up i am…or negative things, or trying to help me but you’re wasting your time. believe me, i take all advice and responses literally- i remember each one of them, and i appreciate the people who waste their time on me but it would make sense to just start pretending again. or, i could just save all the trouble and just kill myself. Not once did someone ask me why i don’t actually “kill myself”- why i never accomplish. there is only one reason why i wouldn’t try to attempt again. whatever. i’m done with anyways. maybe god really did abandon us- ME. …i…will try not to think that. dunno what i’m gonna do. i’m getting better yet i still want to die. i’m not ashamed of it either. heck i don’t care if you see my scars. it does nothing anyways. it just proves that im…. yea whatever. …if only people knew.
The day is near… hm. interesting how people don’t understand copycat suicide. i’ve only set a date because without one, i’d have nothing to look forward to in my life. gives me a date to acutally die…. or i’d still be always looking for hope and living for nothing. such a waste… i can’t be happy with what i have because… i have nothing to be happy with
well, i guess it’s enough of this bullshit. i end this bullshit and start with the acting until then.
-Nobody 6666247