I seem to stumble on this website at the oddest hours of night.Â
It’s only 4:43AM, and I can’t sleep. This is a self induced insomnia. For the first time in ages I scored Adderall and I felt like myself this evening. All good things come to an end, I’m facing the enviable come down. Maybe it’s my brain reeling from the dopamine flood it just endured. I’ve just gotten to thinking that being a depressed addict is probably one of the worst illnesses in the world. Use to live, and when the dope runs out, curl up and die.
It makes me nostalgic. I miss when I was a happier person, a smiling child. Bathed in ignorance. But here I am, laying next to my mother tweaking my ass off. It reminds me of the way I lost the only person I have ever loved to my own selfishness. Heroin addiction took it’s toll on my best relationship, and I was left alone immediately after I came back from rehab. That really shook me, probably in the deepest places of my heart and mind. I’ve never fully recovered from that.
I miss a lot of things, but I miss her the most. A reason to live suddenly stripped away to nothing but a stranger. I should be glad she got away from me, but I ache to think about my mistakes. The worst kind of hurt is knowing you had a choice to prevent it.
Traversing seas of empty faces in a cold world really sucks without having something to look forward to. This is where I am: the numb, the hurt that noIt even death can cure. I’m well beyond tears and jaded past my years (OOO rhyme). It sucks that opening up to people is so difficult because of the masks that I wear, to assure everyone but myself that I’m okay.
But I’m not.
I never will be.
3 comments
Do you think you will ever be happy again?
I with you man,i have totally fucked up my life. Not with heroin, but in other ways.
Lost the love of my life, the person i respect and love most of all in this world, just writing these words put tears in my eyes. Humiliated and disrespected myselfe. Lost most of my valuable possesions, and my health wich was my pride and joy is not very good now. I am thinking about ending this, but i want to talk to my friends and family first, i don’t wan to traumatize anyone more than neccassery.
You write good do.
@loiro, im with you, its just a matter of days, i wont say when my next attemp will be, but will be soon, and i will find peace then.. so whatever u decide take care, btw.. u wanna text me? Or call me