MY life has been hell for like 4-5 years now. I’m so tired of it.
I felt like I had JUST escaped from it all, but apparently not.
It started when my mom started doing drugs. That’s when my life changed. She started becoming more aggressive. She started staying in her room longer and sneaking friends in. She ruined me and my brothers lives. She eventually started to hit me. She attacked me a few times. She even lied to the cops about it once… I felt terrible that day. Even after all the stuff she’s put me through…I HATED seeing her walk out of our house in hand cuffs. It killed me. She got out that day though. Since the only mark on me disappeared and they didn’t find drugs in her system they let her go. You know what sucked? I SAW the drugs IN HER ROOM. SHE called the cops on ME though. All because I wouldn’t let her use my phone to call her druggy friends.
Even before all that. I used to cut. I cut so many times. I’m not proud of it, but I would never ever take it back. It’s all just a reminder of how I got through it. But you know what hurt most? When she found out I used to cut myself… we got in a fight one day. I’ll never forget it. She told me I should go cry and cut myself more. And I did.
But I thought all my misery was over. I guess not. She didn’t get better. I even had to live with my pop-pop for months. Now I’m living with my boyfriend. She’s in jail again. She missed court dates –we got our trailer taken away– and now I can’t even see her here and there. I bet whoever reads this thinks I’m stupid for even wanting to see her, right? She’s my mom though. I guess I just miss the old her.
I live with my boyfriend now. I try to keep my mind off of it all. But you know…he doesn’t seem to understand anything… He KNOWS what I’ve been through but he still sits there and tells me some of the worst things. Like today. We got in a big fight. And it’s still continuing. He just doesn’t understand. He grew up in the perfect home. His mom always had money, he got what he wanted. He had the perfect friends. He doesn’t get anything… Half the time I feel like I don’t even know who he is. Some of the stuff he says to me is outrageous. But I love him.
I mean, sometimes I wish I had met someone more like me. Someone who didn’t tell me to grow up when I wasn’t even acting childish, or someone who didn’t call me rude things just because we’re in a fight. He does… and it does hurt. I’ve called him an asshole numerous times today, because he was treating me like garbage. He doesn’t include me in half the shit he’s supposed to, considering we live together and are moving into an apartment together. I’d like to have a say in it, ya know? Like he doesn’t understand. I tell him all the time I’m tired of living, and I don’t think he ever takes me seriously. He’s not helping me. He thinks just because he’s helping me and doing all these things for me he can treat me like shit and he can’t….it doesn’t make me feel any better about myself.
Not to mention school starts next week and I have to read two books by the 28th. It’s hard. I’m under so much stress, and all he’s doing is flirting with the new girl at work.
Life sucks.
1 comment
Thank you for sharing a little about your self and what you have had to deal with.
I’m a former drug/alcohol user, I lost a great job with a major oil company, I dealt with staying clean and then relapsing over and over. Most of the using was suicidal using, taking way to much wishing I would die yet didn’t.
I’ve been in and out of recovery for a long time. One thing I can say is that there is hope for your relationship with your mom. Your mom isn’t a bad person, … she is a sick person. Just like cancer or diabeties, addiction is a 3 fold disease, mind, body, and spirit.
Alot will be up to her and the depth of the disease in her. Just because someone is in jail doesn’t mean that they are cured because they have been away from the drug for X amount of time. Many go staright from jail to the dopeman’s house. Some go to AA or NA and start a new life.
As for the boyfriend, you have to live and learn, you say you love him. Do you really think your emotionally capable of making that statement under all the stress your in ?
Hang in there, and post more about what your feeling, pain shared is pain half felt.