I don’t know what to do. Life is getting to me. It is supposed to be fun. It is supposed to be something we enjoy. It is supposed to be an adventure. For me it is different. For me it is depressing. For me it is pointless. For me it awful. Nothing has happened to me like abuse or death of a loved one. I am not attention seeking. I am just speaking for the heart. I hate living, I just don’t see the point. We wake up every morning. Force ourselves to get out of bed. Get through the day getting involved in pointless shit. Saying things we don’t need to say. Learning things for the future we are never going to have. Then we go to sleep and it repeats itself the next day, and the next, and the next… What is the point in that?! We all die in the end anyway. Life is jsut a bubble full of frustrations and dead ends. If i could choose the perfect life for me it would be none. I don’t want to live in a world that is full of fucked up people. I don’t want to be in a world at all.
People always say how beautiful life is. How you should live for all the amazing moments. But what is amazing when everytime someone mentions going outside you flinch and get nervous. I’m not afraid of going outside like some people who never leave there homes. Because i do go outside when i have to. I just hate being outside. When my mum says i need fresh air, i just open the window. Simple. The outside world doesn’t even look nice anymore. I hate it. Most of the time I just hate everything. I hate myself. It is easier that way. I scrape at my skin. But never self harm. I sit and think of ways to kill myself. I know I will never do it because i don’t have the guts. But sometimes I wish I did. As i said in the beginning, life is getting to me. The happiness has been sucked out of my soul and now I am just a lost soul being carried in the wind.
Nobody will probably read this. I know that. But it just feels good to finally type it out.