yea. why am i here still?

well my depression has gone on for awhile now. like since Ive been able to have a conscious so around 10 years old or something. I’m now 18(male) and in college. I’m skinny but still really fat and tall which just makes me look gross. i have stretch marks all over my body. Yes i do workout and lift aton. i am proactive about fixing my physical problems but those arent really my main problems. im not really that attractive. never really used my height for sports. basically just down right no self confidence. yes, i did come here to vent. and yes i am thinking about killing myself. I mean its not like its my goal in life 2 be depressed. im currently taking zoloft and hanging with other people to keep myself busy. interacting with females and focusing on my studies. to be honest i just dont enjoy human interaction unless im drunk or high which my true personality comes out and its rather obnixious. heres where the problem lies: My personality. since i am a big man people see me as just a big black guy. but i am not like that all. im actually pretty white lol. i act really immature mainly because im a virgin. Maybe my problems will be fixed if i fuck a girl but highly unlikely because i have no self confidence or attractive features to do so. Also because im a gamer and im still kind of stuck in this childs play. everyone expects me to be good at basketball but i dont have the footwork or athleticism to be that good mainly because i was stagnant on the pc growing up. yes my parents never really got me into sports competitively like that but i learned that it was really my fault that i didnt apply myself early on(therapy -_-). i thought my depression would go away when i got away from my family as i went to college but i thought wrong. Another huge problem is i dont know how to talk to girls. I kind of suck actually. Why? who knows… i sure as hell don’t. basically the only reason why people hang out with me is because I am safe and neutral. Im not a douchebag most of the time and i can act childish which can create a positive and funny environment. the truth is im a clown. nothing more, nothing less. no amount of millligrams of anti depressants can really help me. the only thing that could help me is the girl ive liked for ever. Used to tell myself in high school that i love her but i barely even talked to her. we exchanged a couple texts and smiles but thats it. after she got a boyfriend i honestly just wanted to walk out onto a highway and get hit by a 18 wheeler. shes still with him not like that is the problem. the problem is she doesnt like me and even if she did i am not good enough for her. i dont deserve her. i know what you are thinking. oh dude all you need is some ***** and self-confidence. Maybe thats true. maybe not. I cant seem to replace her in my mind with someone else or something else. Its like she has become an aura rather than a puppy love to me. You would know what i am talking about if you’ve ever met a girl you’ve liked in secret for four years but never said a damn word about it. the thing is she probably knew 2. lol, deep down i know blowing my brains in is the best idea. im not smart, im not confident, im not attractive, im not athletic, im socially awkward, i cant learn interact correctly, i fucking hate life. there are plenty of things worse than my situation and i still continue to be a fucking *****. i see all these people around me who are so damn happy. why have i never felt that? no matter how hard i work on my body or attempt to make friends? why am i so ugly? why am i such a fucking ***** about this shit? why do i care so much? why do i envy over other basketball players? why do i lust over the girl of my dreams? why cant i just forget about her? Of course all this will past over time but the damage would be done. lol ill give myself until my next birthday which 10 1/2 months from now. After that if i still feel the same i will kill myself. I encourage others to not be as weak as me and fight through the pain. i wish i could love life just like any other person. I wish i could fight the sin but i can’t. i dont want to live anymore. I want to die, because i want to forget. forget who i am and what i am made up of. i hope i am strong enough to achieve my goals. i need to man up and just do it lol </3