Zero strength

im starting to realize that it’s just easier to push the ones who care about me away. I think I’d rather have people mad at me for doing this then being sympathetic. The more people I push away the less people i’ll hurt when I’m gone. At first I was cutting my wrist and kinda wanted some sort of attention from it but now I realize that was the wrong way to go. I’ve stopped cutting y wrist and now I’m cutting where can’t be seen if I’m fully dressed. (under and on my stomach going down to my legs about 8 inches of cuts on both legs) yes it hurts more but now I realized it will be easier to hide it. I was suppose to see a counciller in a few weeks but I told my dad I don’t need to… It’s worse than ever. Before I didn’t wanna kill myself I just wanted to die. Now I don’t care how I die it just needs to happen… Soon.