I’ve been depressed for about 4 years now. But nothing really hit me hard till about the end of last year and steady increased through this year.
My family is overly Irish. They live in the old Irish Catholic ways, meaning: you marry young, girls don’t go to school, family always comes first, and leaving isn’t an option, meaning you can never think about leaving, because once you move out, you’re officially disowned, and I can’t live knowing that.. which is why I haven’t moved out.
I’m extremely different from my family.
The first girl to ever graduate high school (i had to fight to go)
And now I’ve started college, a year late, because I also had to fight to go.
My family hates me. They hate the choices that I’ve made and they show it everyday. My mother goes out of her way to make me feel miserable, calling me ugly, disgusting, and everything else. she also throws it in my face that I’m an “Old Maid” simply because I was not married at 16. I’ll be 21 on Monday.
I’ve fought off a lot of these feelings. Ignoring them pushing them away. However.now they are eating at me. Suicide crosses my mind every single day because of how much of a failure I feel I’ve become. I’m scared because I know I’m not this person, I’m a fighter. Yet.. I’m not at all happy of my accomplishments, even though I have every right to be.
My boyfriend of 6 years, is very supportive of me, but he isn’t exactly near by. I’m slowly pusing him away with my depression and my constant need of attention. It’s so difficult how much I put him through, And he himself told me today that he is at the end of his rope as well, because of how much we have been fighting lately. He wants me to seek help, but my pride is in the way..
I’m scared about what is going to happen to me.
And I know now that I’m in desperate need of help.
12 comments
Don’t let your family concince you that you’re a failure. Weather or not you succede is a judment you have to make. Going to college and not getting married at 16 are certainly not things to be ashamed of. I think they’re things to be proud of.
Maybe it’s time to move out. I know you said that your family would disown you, and i think it’s important to love your family, but if your family is doing this to you,then they’re the ones at fault and you shouldn’t feel guilty about it. I don’t think you should let them trap you. But that’s just my 2 cents
Thank you, Yeah I’m going to get help, and then I’m getting out of here. I need it.
They are killing me more then I’m killing myself.
First, hun, if your family treats you like shit, you’re going to have to get used to the idea of being disowned. I’m sorry, but that’s how it is. They should be happy that you have a boyfriend of 6 years! As of right now, yes, get professional help. That way you can get some outside advice as to how to handle this situation. It isn’t a bad idea. It sounds like your boyfriend cares about you, wayyyyy more than your family. So listen to him. Don’t push him away, pull him closer. Because he may be the support you’re going to rely on the most. Again, your family being religious, they will probably end up disowning you. So you need to keep your mind away from it and just accept it. If they don’t, that means they looked past the religious crap (I’m not religious at all, I personally think it can be bullshit) and pride, and decided to be proud of you for your accomplishments.
Congrats on going to college. You’re going to make more money than anyone in your family. So look forward to that.
Thank you, I have decided to get help. I need it, and despite my pride I’ll go. Not only for my sake but for my Boyfriends, cause I’m killing him slowly too. Thank you for you wise words. Helped me to see that I’m not the only one that thinks my family is messed up.
It’s not about religion, (I’m Catholic Also.. I’ve just lost my religion in the whole process) It’s about Family Tradition.. I’m just going against the norm And it’s totally blowing their minds.. and Honestly I’m perfectly fine with that. Somone has to blaze the trail as they say.
It is now scientific fact that people who ate depressed feel more deeply than normal people. I, personally, suspected this now proven fact for a long time. It just seemed like I felt deeper and was more sensitive to the various stressors we experience. Like you I obsess on suicide as my only option.
But I have been through a lot of supposed therapeutic process with Electro Convulsive Therapy now being an option on the table. I wonder if you should give some therepeitiv alternatives a chance? I sense in your words more frustration than loss of hope. When you start to lose hope them that is truly a danger sign. We can’t change our families but it is amazing what happens when people get hot with a language they can’t argue against because if they did they would expose their own ignorance and falsity. Research dialectic behavioral therapy and cognitive behavioral therapy which will show and teach a new approach to the same problems. I would also turn the tables on your mother and ask her questions like “why does she, your mother calls you ugly.”I can almost guarantee the response will be interesting or at least shut her the hell up. I’ll call it what it is and your being abused and it’s horribly wrong. There is something else going on.
I really hope you consider third party help. You just need to say your potentially suicidal to access social services.
Your words speak of a good person being treated terribly wrong. You mentioned you require a lot of attention. Can you describe more what you mean by that?
Take care. I really believe suicide is not a good option for you and that is coming from a person who honestly believes in right to die issues for people suffering with severe MI.
I’ve tried the whole “Turnning the tables on mom” thing.. and that has not worked.. She is Extremely stubborn.. and stuck in her own ways.. She isn’t like a mother she dosen’t act like one atleast.. It’s like getting into an arguement with a 10 year old.. she is so below me running on a gradeschool education. So I would rather avoid the conflict instead of making things extrememly worse for myself.
I’ve accepted the fact that I’m treated terribly wrong, I’m not looking for the “I love you’s” or the warm hugs and cookies waiting for me at home. It’s more of an Accpetance thing.. a “You’re OK” Which I’ve strived soo hard to get and prove but, I’ve lost myself in that process.
Yeah, I do require A LOT of attention, mostly from my boyfriend, Simply because I get NO attention from anywhere else. I don’t really trust people because of the way I was raised and how my mother has brain washed me.. I’m not accognoledged in my home.. and it’s so hurtful. I don’t like being alone.. and by doing that I’m robbing my BF of his freedom, more now then ever.
I’m just so worried that I’ve driven him crazy.. with the panic attacks and the Anxiety attackts, making him call me in the middle of the night. I can’t lose him, He’s my support system.
Dispite my pride, I have decided to seek help, Simply because I can’t talk to my family… I need someone else to vent to other than my bf, I NEED to know that I’m doing the right thing, and I don’t think my family will ever give me that.
Sounds like your living in the 1920’s….
Tell me about it.. It’s a lot worse.. I have you know.
I know how you feel. Well, not quite, but I know how rough family can be. I was born in raised in a family of brutal alcoholics. My grandma, Aunt, and father were all alcoholic, and they’d all get drunk and fight. My cousin and I (we all live on the same block in a small town) would have to survive the insults thrown at us by our parents when they got drunk.
Sometimes, Family can be worse than anything. Mosty because you’re close to them. They’re the ones who are supposed to be loving and supportive. It’s rooted into you from the media. They depict happy, loving families in television, books, ectetera. Therefore, that’s what you except. When it doesn’t come, you get sad, depressed. You feel rejected.
My best advice I’d give you is to tough it out. Don’t show weakness. Keep your head up, and try to deal with the idea of being disowned. You don’t have to do it all at once. Think about it, measure the pros and cons. Freedom from all your problems, or living as a slave to the ways of your family. When you’ve decided you can take it, do it.
Yeah. However I’ve never looked for my family to be “Warm” and Loving.. I KNOW it’s not in their nature. And I’ve been alright with that since I was a little girl. It’s just the whole fact that my mother, goes OUT of her way to make me feel even worse. I’ve gotten really good at ignoring the negative things she has had to say. But once you hear the same thing over and over since you can remember.. It makes a pretty heay mark on your self- esteem. I’m taking control of my life. I know what I have to do. Thank you for your wise words!
I think you need to walk away from your family, despite what people say, blood is not thicker than water. I grew up in a very large negative family who questioned me wanting to better myself and always put people down. They spent all there time stabbing each other in the back and causing anymosity. I moved out at 19 and disowned them all by the time I was 23. I have had guilty spells where i’ve been back in touch twice, but each time got the same shit thrown at me so now I have not spoken to any of them since 2005. You’ll find friends that are way more imprortant than family and your boyfriend will be your new family. Happy Birthday for tomorrow, give yourself the best birthday present by taking control of your life. Throughout your life you’ll meet people that are heaters (make you feel warm) and drainers (suck the life out of you) keep the heaters close and walk away from the drainers. Be proud of yourself, you’ve already come so far!
Thank you for filling me with hope. I’m fully aware of how messed up my family is.. My Boyfriend can’t stand them for the way they have treated me.. And since I love them regardless, It’s going to be pretty hard for me to just walk away.. But I gotta do what I gotta do. I Will take control of my life. That will be my Birthday present. Thanks again!