Living hurts now- living in the way it’s not living. Being confined to a desk and ruled over by a group of people who don’t know or care. It’s just so meaningless. I’m just alone here- hopeless and scared. But I’ve always got on a happy mask and muddle through the day.
And then there’s the guy. The unattainable guy who you can’t shake. Love is awful. It’s always rewarded with nothing but rejection. Or it’s just never expressed and your just there- without the strength to say anything. You watch them love others, and you can’t help but feel awful. At least I do.
I used to be so happy. But my heart has been shattered for so damn long. I watch others and wonder;
“What’s with me? What did I do?”
Some days my heart soars and others i’m just a sobbing crying wreck- . He thinks it’s a joke, when he mentions the friend zone I laugh and say: “Shut up- dude~” in that giggly sort of voice. Inwardly I’m dying. It’s agony sitting and waiting and hoping and knowing nothing you do matters. The world is just an endless prank- being tricked into loving- thinking you are loved- And realizing your just a spec to them. The other girl next to you is what he wants when he walks over. Your just a cumbersome accessory.
I know I need help but nobody cares. I’m just not worth it.
I feel selfish and stalkerish for crying over a guy and cursing the girls I believe he likes. For literally plotting out every moment of his murder because if you can’t have him, no one can. I’m just so lonely. So pathetic. So useless.
I wish he knew how me makes me feel- so he’ll know why I won’t be at school next week.
Please help me.
4 comments
I used to be IN LOVE with these boy, thst I never even dated. Let me tell you, I was just so in love with him, really. He kinda played off how I felt about him, and would act as though he was interested in me as well. Yet he would date all these other girls. It hurt .. so bad .. (crazy right, since we never dated). I’m not sure when or how it happened but I “moved on”. I realized I’m wasting my time on someone who doesn’t want to even think about spending their time on me. I know it’s hard to just get up and move forwrd but please don’t take your own life. Dos he know you like him?
I confessed last year. He didn’t care. He said he didn’t want a girlfriend- though a few months later he wouldn’t stop about how he hoped to have one. But by that time the silence began- we didn’t speak at all- he just avoided me at all costs. It tore me apart. We’ve managed to become friends again but It hurts to be without him- though I can never be near him either. It’s….strange. I suppose.
Ahh :/ I bet it did hurt when you guys stopped talking. I completley understand what you mean, when you say it hurts to be with him but hurts when you’re without him. (I’m currently going through that feeliing with an ex.) And honestly, when one has pain like that, it is sooooo difficult to deal with because it feels like either way, you’re screwed. Do you think you’d be willing to meet other boys, I think that would definitley help you move on from your friend
I know where you are. I liked a friend of mine for years. He knew. Sometimes he liked me back, sometimes he didn’t. Gradually, I fell in love with him. I lost my virginity to him. It turned my life upside down. I stopped speaking to him and cut him out of my life altogether for two years, and then for the first time he approached me. He apologized for everything. We’re friends again, and turns out I never stopped loving him.
It sucks. A lot. I think at this point… seven years later, I might add… I don’t even know how to not love him. I’ve just learned to deal with it, because I can’t imagine my life without him in it.