While I share a variety of similar issues and reasons for being depressed than most of you here; I’ve recently come to realize that as time has gone by, one of the main reasons for me wanting to die has become, as shallow but sincere as it sounds: PRIDE. Yes. Before this crisis (I’ve had many) started I used to be looked up to and even though I paid a very high price to mantain an image of myself that wasn’t quite real, I felt semi-comfortable and semi-proud to be there. But now, ever since people have learned about my failure, the girl is no longer in “admirable”. You see, at first, they were shocked to see me going down on flames, then some genuinely wanted to be there, but later after the pity showed up, they slowly have become to think and act as if they are better than me! Should I tolerate being the loser I always said I would refuse to be? Should I endure the treatment that comes along with it?
When you take the place of a “loser” in society, you fall down on that food chain where humans just like animals feed. It’s by eating up the helpless and the weak that the egos of the big fish survive and exist. Do I want to be such person now? I might be very miserable but I will never kneel.
I am convinced that more than just a few people are actually happy to see themselves now after what happened, a few steps higher than me. They get the chance to make you feel small, delete any trace possible previous jealousy, show you how well they are doing compared to you until they finally start to consciously forget to include you in any plans or ignore that you are still alive. All of this, of course, in a very discreet and subtle way so they can still “look” like they care.
If I have to live this life of being “inferior” I prefer to check out. It’s cruel to me having sit back somewhere in the last line of the crowd unnoticed and alone while the lucky, successful and fortunate ones own the stage. Perhaps if it weren’t for this silent rivalry of power among humans, I would probably find a way to cope in this world. But no… Me, I was always a revel and swore to never be looked down upon from an early age. I fought too hard to “succeed” in life so I could beat the inferiority complex I developed in my teens. I felt worthless and invisible and I am back to feeling worthless and invisible now. Painful to me.
Anyway, to those of you that I’ve read are leaving this earth soon; I send you my most warm and loving hug. I am there with you at the time of your departure from this world. I am convinced there is no hell for people like us and that we will be embraced by whatever force there is out there, that is if after life actually does exist.
16 comments
Survivor of the fittest huh?
Why?u still have something to be proud about.u ve got us
Exactly :). Sad but true. You are either invited to the big party or condemned to stand outside by the window to watch the fun and on your own.
I do have you now :). My brother criticizes me for me for being part of this site but now this site is becoming part of me. You seem real sweet, 12timesbusted. Thanks for your comment.
Why would you tell anyone about this site?If I did that no one would talk to me.They’d look at me as If I have some contaqious disease.
My brother comes and looks at my computer from time to time and he came across it. Besides him only my psychiatrist knows about it. But you’re right about something, the more information I leak the more all those consequences I wrote will fall upon me. One of my worst defects, giving people to much information about my life and how I feel.
Don’t feel bad. I do the same. Sharing too much information about myself and how I feel. I’ve even been told I “over share” sometimes, and I think to myself, why hide? But yeah, this site, so far, is my dirty little secret, lol.
I mean It’s okay with us cause let’s be honest here,your never qonna see us In person and some of us qo what you qo threw so It’s not like we look at you differently.My psychiatrist knows about this site to.Althouqht I don’t think he cares to check It out cause I mean his job Is to talk do depressed people all day,I’m pretty sure he doesn’t want to qo home and hear more about depressed people haha.
“My dirty little secret”I like that.Ima stop sayinq SP and start sayinq Ima qo to my dirty little secret haha.Sorry for stealinq your Idea.
hey BlackSwan,
you don’t need to be inferior you just need classify your so called friends.
if you need to lie to them to be accepted then they aren’t friends at all, more like
some random dudes you know. i have a classification like that. e.g. if people are
are oriented towards the mainstream and want to take on that challenge then they
are already lost but they are so lucky that they are unaware of that fact. what i mean is that the mainstream people are always desperate to be perfect and are always in competition to all of the other people they know. like the people who are advertised in the main stream media (they are perfect and in competition to the people they know). is it not true that they are chasing ghosts and do not realize that. this competitive ‘my balls your balls’ and ‘my car your car’ and ‘my house your house’ shit has NO and i mean NO value at all. you need some real friends but you will only find them if you are honest which means that you have to drop your mask right from the start. i do not have many friends because of this exact fact that most people are mainstream and are wearing a mask too but most of them do not even realize that fact.
On the other hand, the friends i have are absolutely reliable (i could call them in the middle of the night if necessary and i can discuss everything with them) if you manage to get friends who drop their mask too then you will be good i think. well may be this is all a load of bull but that is my theory (most people are too heavily influenced by the main stream media which always promotes competition an which always shows perfection which is not achievable). your foodchain analogy is very good in that sense but the top of the chain is thin and the bottom is thick. if you are willing to be part of that battle then it is most likely that you won’t reach the top – accept that – it is normal. every person has some talents so if you really want to be at to top somewhere then you need to find out what you talents are and then enjoy your training to reach perfection.
just my 2 cents.
The title led me to believe that this would be a story about disgrace and scandal which some might find curious. Thats not even shameful.
betenup, it’s hard to find good friends cause even the nicest people by nature run away from depression and sadness. I don’t ever wear a mask but I do care about mainstream cause majority wins :(, even though I hate it.
Duke of Marmalade,
I guess I should apologize for having “tricked” you with my title according to my comment ;-). I was afraid of sounding superficial by talking about my ego instead and in contrast to more difficult and serious issues that others describe to be battling with in their writings. I do have a story of disgrace and scandal as well but I am new here and don’t feel comfortable about it yet.
Hey, Black Swan nice to hear that you are always honest so we have something in common. I wouldn’t say that people are running away from depressed people it is more like that a real friendship is always a give and take thing. if you take more than you give over a long period of time than it is normal that they will get fed up and need a break because it is also hard for them to only hear problems and be unable to help. Try to have fun with them also listen to them and help them and that is what you will get back. it is strange but i only see this type of behavior from non-mainstream people. Some of my friends are Africans who migrated somehow from war-zones or totalitarian systems and they gave me a hole new perspective of live, fun and what really matters in live. They are always honest, listen to each other and help each other no matter what it takes. The reasons for me wanting to die have not much to do with depression but i know that having a good social environment can help very much to fight off depression for quite a while so that is the reason why i mentioned that having real friends is what you need or at least is what could help a lot. As a rule of thumb: people who are down in the chain tend to help each other and people who are at the top tend to fight each other.
yours beatenup
oh and btw did you read the response from justy @2012/09/06 at 2:39 am to your ‘what happens’ thread? it is still awaiting moderation but can be read if you click on the ‘comments awaiting moderation’ button.
yours beatenup
sorry forget that last post i got it wrong the response should be viewed by falling_soup