I don’t know what to do anymore. There are so many things piling up. Things used to be just fine. I was happy. Since I started high school things have gotten worse, at home too. No matter how much I do, I’m always told that I do nothing. That I’m lazy, worthless, etc. I could resist before but now I’m weak. I can’t take it. Each thing they say is another thing dragging me down. My friend was found dead a week ago, he slit his wrists and recently I can’t get the thought out of my head. I feel like it was my fault. I knew his condition and I didn’t help him enough. I’m the one who deserves to die. I have cut myself many times before but it doesn’t feel like enough any more. I feel alone. It doesn’t really feel like anyone around me understands. They all tell me cutting is bad, that it’s gross, that there’s something wrong with me. But they don’t really know the pain I’m in. I can’t talk about it. Not even that works anymore.
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2 comments
Cutting isn’t exactly healthy, but it doesn’t make you some sort of freak. I’m sorry to hear about your friend. Try not to beat yourself up over it. As much as we want to, we can’t save everyone. That doesn’t mean it should of been you who died. Highschool sucks, parental drama sucks, but eventually you’ll move out and all that nonsense will be behind you. Just stay strong until then. By the way is there anyone you can talk to about these things? A close family member or friend, or maybe a therapist, or even your schools guidence counseler anything is fine just get those feelings out.
Cutting isn’t healthy, and it’s not gross to a certain extent, in my opinion. It’s gross when you see your insides. That’s my limit. I’m going to confess, I find blood very attractive. That’s why I have a problem with cutting. I see blood, I get excited, I find it thrilling, or it convinces me that I haven’t had enough.
I’m sorry you lost your friend, but it wasn’t your fault. Why friends die is never one’s fault. His life was simply too hard on him, you were there, and you did your best. That’s what matter. What also matters is that you cared about him and that you think about him now. Wouldn’t you rather remember him always and keep him alive that way? Or do you want to end his eternal life by ending your own? As far as high school goes, it always sucks for us. But you have to understand: It will pass. After high school, everything is up to you. It will be your decision on whether or not you ‘stay in high school’; suffer, be miserable, or you move on and grow. It’ll be tough, but taking the correct route will work out for the better.