My roommates are gone, I am alone this weekend, I have the same pills in my car that old have killed me before had I not seen my crying mother. My Boyfriend has no idea I’m this screwed up, he tried calling me, I didn’t answer, what do you say when you’re forcing yourself to puke up your guts after eating a box of brownies. The Bulimia is back, damnit, why won’t Anna come back? I am so angry, I never asked to be saved from my eating disorder, I was so close to death, and my parents court ordered me to another hell treatment center. Now my only option out is suicide which will hurt people a lot more then death from an eating disorder would. Then my brother calls, my niece is asking for me in the back ground, my dad calls, my mom calls, my boy friend calls. I let it ring and can’t finish listening to the messages, none of them know, they all think I’m with one of them. If I tell them well my brother distances himself and keeps my niece away, my parents freak, and my boyfriend would leave me. So I shake the pills, and dream of death. It gives me peace. Death in a bottle, beautiful sound, I can hold so close, I can feel it. Fuck my conscience, why won’t you let me die? Tomorrow, I will resume the mask, after all, don’t you know I’m a happy perfect person? I would never curse.
share your suicide story
Report Post
Please log in to report posts
41 comments
i don;t understand why people keep [posting about PILLS/SUICIDE when it’s sooo UNREALISITC!!!! No pills kill Sweetie, unless they are Barbitures. If are are really serious about suicide, you do some research! If it were that easy half this forum would be dead now including me. There’s no death on a bottle unless it’s label “********”!!!
dont forget those opiate/opioids
hope you feel better. as someone who has personally been affected by bulimics, I hope you stop. It’s the stupidest thing a person could do. You’re forcing yourself to exist in a living hell that will either slowly kill you or will just fuck you up miserably (and maybe by that time you’ll be happy and actually want to live and not be stuck in a fucked up body).
You have people who love you and want to help you, so maybe you should let them try.
Not all Opiates are lethal, Codeine for instance isn’t. I doubt it is a bottle of Morphine she’s talking about having in her hand.
thats childs play (and OTC and many countries, the codeine) im talking about oxycodone, diluadid, fentanyl.
in many*
I am going to do some research on the drugs you just mentioned. Apparently, you are right. I’m surprised they don’t mention these medications in the Final Exit or Peaceful Pill books as methods.
@NewDawnFades, are they are difficult to obtain as Barbiturates?
and they feel oh so goooood. but yeah people are overdosing on these things all the time, check out ultiva, i think it is the strongest opioid available. fully synthetic of course.
@ black swan-there are plenty of ant-psychotics if you can get them that will do the trick, or even lithium or effexor. even enough tylenol will do it. the trick is not getting found before youre gone.
@Krs, I have no idea where you get this information from, but it’s definitively not a serious source. Sorry, I don’t mean to insult you, I’ve just been there done that and researched way too much to contradict you. I would be dead already, so dead, if that were true.
haha this is cancer patient kind of stuff Blackswan.
like ive mentioned before pentobarbital is OTC in mexico.
i think that movie foxfire got kids thinking aspirin could kill them. only thing bayer ever invented that could kill would be heroin.
i know cuz i got found too soon and it took over a week ea time to bring me back in ICU…but nvrmd that, you know more
forgot i say anything i wont anymore
@NewDawnFalls, I got my hopes up there for a second. I was going to start calling every drugstore around here, but maybe I will just in case they have them and I can find a way to pay extra to get them. You see they don’t even sell Barbiturates at pharmacies here, and it a long way to Mexico, specially if you don’t have the money. Someone actually reported having gone all the way there for them and having been cheated.
hahaha sorry. well if you are down down, selling your car, buying a plane ticket… i mean since you arent gonna use those things right? you have to get it at the vet, and you have to say its to put your large animal down. thats the only way. if you got the cash they got the goods. odds are they made it toooo obvious because suicide tourism in mexico is huge, shit alot of people go and do suicide by cartel (kinda like suicide by cop)
@NewDawnFades, I thought about the vet and even went there but that liquid is to be injected and in has to be done so into a vein. One of the death row inmates had to suffer from double lethal injection procedures since they didn’t get the vein right at the first time so the guy didn’t die.
haha picky picky. when you die you die isnt that the point? i think people over think suicide. i mean what do people want? a beautiful corpse in a casket that everyone can look at? whats the difference if its closed casket? i have several firearms and i know a closed casket is for me. and as for that deathrow inmate, he was morbidly obese and was near impossible to find. hell this one inmate just got off deathrow for being too fat to inject or fit in the electric chair, doing life instead.
find the vein*
Umm….actually I overdosed on this very combination I have. Like I said, I saw my mom crying and looking for me because I was messy and left empty bottles and came out and we met the ambulance, I just remember shaking uncontrollably like a seizure. I passed out and woke up two days latter with a hose shoved down into my lungs breathing for me and a catheter which is less then pleasant. I’m pretty sure that if I had stayed hidden that I would have been dead and am pretty sure that I could kill myself with it given a night alone as my lungs collapsed within two hours and I couldn’t even pee on my own, so yes, I did my research on my pills, I can create the cocktail I need for death, this I don’t doubt. Two weeks ago my friend killed herself with her meds too, unless I was at a fake funeral, it worked for her too. And don’t scold me on the affects of an ED, do you think I’m stupid? I’ve had one over half my life, you mean it’s screwing me up? Its not healthy ? Thanks Einstein
you can overdose on anything, it literally means you took too much of something, not necessarily lethal.
Well as long as your not breathing, call it an overdose, I’m still pretty sure you’re dead
yup thats true.
I’m sorry you got offend. Me just like you and other millions have landed in the hospital after “over dosing”. Now bring in the hospital, doesn’t mean dying. I was unconscious for a couple of days on various occasions, yet I am still here. People wind up with liver problems and kidney problems for “over dosing” on pills but they still get to live. Pills are extremely unreliable, weather you believe it or not, unless you get the kinds mentioned above. If this is not true how come you see all these posts about failed suicide attempts with pills everyday? It’s not like you ever read about someone that blew their brains out and failed here. Doesn’t that tell you something?
Not sure of all the comments but I highly doubt pills will kill you, you can take a bucket of valium and it isn’t going to do shit except probably put you to sleep for 14 hours and make your stomach cramp up like hell, if you eating disorder take medication to help increase your appetite, it sounds like you have a good support network as well.
Um.. An eating disorder isn’t that you’re not hungry, you’re obsessed with hunger and food, the hunger is the point. All I know is the hospital wasn’t sure I’d live with my od and like I said, I stopped breathing, my body shut down, pretty sure it’s possible with the right combinations. Of course you must be smart. You must play the doctors, it takes time to build up high enough doses and collect enough. It took me three month to get my collection ready, But yes blowing your brains out is prob the most reliable, just not my style. Yes my support is pretty good..,well that’s another story. I’ve tried to be happy and normal. I’ve lived over a year in treatment, it screwed me up more. I don’t hate my life, I hate myself, that I’m still living here, and not something else
Maybe you’re not stupid, but if you do something that gives you no pleasure or relief, makes you feel miserable, and destroys your body (very slowly, painfully, and hellishly), that is completely illogical.
how do you know blowing your brains out isnt your style? cant knock it till you tried it haha.
@Pagea, the experience you had in the hospital you had in the hospital isn’t unique, it’s in fact procedure for any “over dose” even if it’s harmless. I also had the same synthoms as you and in one occasion started bleeding from my nose and throwing up blood, that doesn’t mean I was going to die. I am not Einstein not care about being Einstein but I’ve had more attempts with pills than you to know more. You might think that quantity matters, but you don’t have any ground for it except your own guessing. Valium is a pretty strong drug but as User425 wrote, it’s not lethal no matter how many you take. It’s the active the ingredients of pills. Blowing my brains out is not my style either but I am no longer naive or stubborn to keep on trying the method I fantasies about because it’s only a fantasy and I don’t want to end up in the hospital. If pills worked I wouldn’t be writing this post now, that’s for sure and pretty easy to figure out.
I’m sorry that you’re suffering still. I wish I had the answer. I wish I knew an answer other then suicide…starving yourself I guess…which Is still suicide, just not as active. I’m not going to tell you the combinations I’ve made, I’d feel guilty, but you’re right, it’s not necessarily quantity as much as the combination. My friend died two weeks ago from a similar overdose, it can work, I’m sure different bodies respond differently. Because of so many health issues and pituitary damage I probably had easier access to some dangerous combinations then the average person. In the end were both right, it’s not a sure way and many people fail, at the same time, some do succeed.
@ jack86 you’re right, it is illogical but Everyday dawns another with a hope that something will happen to counteract the misery, but then there are some who wake up without hope. In their world, they suck and are victims to the gravity of invisible encasement promising happiness of lies. If you are happy, then you are lucky, you are not trapped. You like who you are, people like you, you trust they like you. Others of us face the doom of our self-constructed prison of fate. Unconnected smiles elude buried confessions. Survival depends on our oblivious perspective of things we dont want to see, and laughter at the the small simple things that most will never appreciate. In this way we are lucky, if only to make equilibrium with fairness. Everyday brings a day closer to the day you lie down in a casket in relief of an earth that will engulf you. For us, why not destroy the body if it will bring a temporary sense of security. Remember, it’s all in your mind. No matter what they say, no matter where they place you: in the end your demise will be your fault and your fault only. If you win in your mind, you can be burning to death while maggots chew on your eyes and still have a sense of accomplishment.Your fear is not death, it’s that there is something beyond death. To save your sanity you imagine whatever it is waiting for us is different, but a part of you knows you are doomed to the hell of your screwed up brain, and it sucks, this you can count on, counting on this keeps you grounded and praise ovation be to the gravity of suck
Pangea sound’s like Black Swan know’s what she’s talkin about. Evan if you use combinations. Do more Research.
I understand its not a sure fire way…but if it doesn’t work why did my aunt succeed, why did my friend succeed, why did my student succeed? Why did my neighbor succeed, they’re all dead, and they all OD on a combination of sorts with prescription pills, so it can work.
I’ve never met anyone that lost 4 people they knew to suicide. Now, not only did all of them coincidentally choose the same way to go but succeed at using the most unreliable of all methods. I can’t imagine your aunt and your student having the same prescription pills as you and passing on the secret combination. I am sorry, I know I am coming across as rude, but I find it quite implausible. In the end, you have the right to believe whatever you want and even try it. Is there a possibility that you can die that way? Sure. Just as you can die from playing a video game for too long. It’s not likely but it has happened! I’m just not going to shove common prescription pills down my stomach and land in the hospital 20 times before I learn that it can happen but that’s highly improbable. Sorry, I know I sound like a b****, but the demographics of this world would have gone WAY down already if it were that easy. Sorry again.
I don’t think they had the exact pills, but it was an overdose. Suicide runs in my family, total I’ve had 5 friends die from suicide, 9 people I’ve know total, four were with pills.
…that’s what u get for going to treatment centers…u get to know a lot of depressed people that will never recover
I don’t know what to say, it seems like you want to try it again?
That’s my predicament…I want to die, but worry about my family and parents, specially parents. I need a way that doesn’t look like suicide….I keep the pills as my back up, when the day comes that hurting them once is less then the hell I wake up to. I know suicide is selfish, but is it also not selfish to want someone to live against their will in hell?
Yes, Pangea, I feel the same way. It’s just as selfish for them to want to keep us in perpetual suffering so that they don’t suffer. I’m in a predicament too. I no longer worry about them suffering. I am sure will pass and it’s not like they stop living their happy lives now for me. My problem is pain! I am afraid of pain and the consequences of failing. Perhaps winding up brain damaged and quadriplegic or something.
Yes, I’ve thought about that, I thought about car wrecking so it’d just look like I’d crashed into a tree or something, but I fear just hurting myself and being stuck with that too. I also worry that I may wake up on the other side if there is another side, still be me, and now hate myself for the pain I’ve caused my family. It is a cowardly thing to do, I don’t want to die a coward, but I am so tired of trying, fighting failing. How do you know that what waiting is better? I am afraid it might not be, and then what? Do you think there’s after life? Idk
I am going to sleep now but I’ll answer that question later ;-). Good night Pangea.
@pangea I’m not happy, I just really don’t understand something that doesn’t get you closer to death, but makes the life you’re living even more miserable. I read your paragraph, you clearly tried to explain, but sorry I just don’t get it.
I wasn’t trying to imply I’m happy by giving you positive advice. It’s just that you have lots of people in your life who love you it sounds like. A year and a half ago, I had it all. Lots of people who *seemed* to love and care about me. And now they’re all gone, so I don’t see the point of living anymore. Even if I find new wonderful people, I don’t trust they won’t eventually stab me in the back too.
So you see, I envy your position and support system. But of course, it is your life and no one else’s. So best wishes to you in whatever you decide to do in it, whether I understand it or not.