Degrading health, degrading life

I have had very poor health since the day I was born. Genetic defects result in a very weak immune system, severe asthma and only partially functioning lungs, severe allergies that prevent me from going outside, heart problems which make me feel weak and will likely cut my life short, a bad liver that’s complicating the heart issues, a bad thyroid that adds to the exhaustion, a bad uterus and ovaries that are trying to bleed me to death, and the doctors want to remove, and a screwed up digestive system that limits what I can eat. I also have a degenerative nerve disorder that’s robbing me of my hearing – to the point where I can no longer use a phone.

I am always isolated. Always left out. I am always judged by what I can’t do, rather than what I can. It’s even trickled over into work, where my performance review is a critique of my hearing loss instead of a reflection of my actual performance (I am going to HR with that one, but I’m scared of what’s going to happen). I was told that I could only succeed if I could fix my communication problems, and my hearing loss is degenerative – I will soon be totally deaf.

I failed my heart stress test last week, which is in itself a form of relief. I’m so very sick and tired, and I want to die. I spent this weekend debating on methods, finally resorting to the suicide hotline when I realized I was serious — only to have that door slammed in my face too, as chat rooms apparently aren’t open on weekends, and I’m too deaf to call the number.

I’m beyond the end of my rope, and know that I can’t tell my family. I’ve tried in the past but they flipped out, yelling at me that I was a selfish coward (among may other worse things). They have no idea what a day is like in my shoes. They don’t know how horrifically sick I feel, and the knowledge that I can’t get better. I may not have an expiration date set (i.e. no one has said “you only have X months to live”) but it would be such a relief to do so. I would much prefer to die soon from natural causes, as it would be easier on my family. I suppose I could take up “risky behavior” which for me would boil down to running in a field of flowers – a sure-fire way to put me in the hospital.

There are worse things than death. I want to be set free.